If you need a reminder of how precious life is today, click on these photographs. Not only do they tell the tragic story of a young woman’s fight against breast cancer, but they also show the love and compassion her husband felt for her. These are among the most touching photographs I have ever seen in my life. They capture the smallest details of pain, love, and courage. Each one tells a story.
I feel lucky to be alive, healthy, and ready to spend the day with family. I hope you do, too.
I am part of a generation often accused of being too self-entitled. While I agree hard work and gratitude should be part of the equation, I also stand firm in my opinion that each and every one of us deserves greatness. The definition of greatness may vary from one to another, but whatever that greatness is, we deserve it.
Lessons always seem to converge at once. This weekend, while I was in a particularly grumpy mood, the women in my family reminded me we deserve the moon. Then another woman I deeply admire posted an article about an adoptive mother who decided to teach her timid toddler to physically fight back against her brothers. This article permeated my being, (read it!).
I always thought I believed in myself. Then I realized this belief is contradicted by the guilt I feel in whatever I have, achieve, desire. Since I was a little girl, I have confused guilt, humility, and gratitude. I finally get it, if only for a moment. Guilt should not accompany success won through hard work and thankfulness. You can lovingly serve others without losing sight of your own worth.
For the first time in years, I allowed myself to seethe in all the parts of my life I want to change, and, to my shock, the seething felt amazing. I let anger I never knew existed escape my soul. I realized my worth and felt no guilt in my desire for greatness. What a concept, self-worth and desire without guilt. I was a girl on fire, ferocious and proud. So much gratitude. I hope it lasts.
Life is fuller with conscious gratitude. In the months following Thanksgiving, I realized something was missing without Thankfulness Thursdays. Today, a revival.
I’m thankful to be alive. I’m thankful for coworkers who listen, laugh, and cry with me. I’m grateful for enormous clouds filled with thunder and rain, kind enough to wait until the children go home. I’m happy that winter is nearing an end, grateful for my husband to join me in 29 years of life, our five months of overlapping age when he stops teasing me. I’m ecstatic that next week is spring break, thankful for sore cheeks from smiling too much during the talent show auditions.
I’m pleased our interim testing is done so that I can stop bribing tired children with handfuls of popcorn for every five problems they complete. I’m happy for the realization that peeling a mandarin orange each morning is enough to make that one enigmatic child feel safe, loved. I’m thankful I pushed my tired self to go to hot yoga, the warmth and peace seeping deep into my bones, glad I called my dad after work, just to say hi.
Mostly I’m grateful that no matter how challenging my day or week, there are people in my life who care enough to listen, read, and offer a helping hand. Reminds me a little of these two trees at my family’s house. They stand side-by-side through storms and wind and heat, their branches intertwined.
This week was filled with so many stories I cannot tell. Not just stories from the conferences, but stories from our half days of instruction. It seems many students had a little extra drama in their lives this week. Maybe it was Valentine’s Day, maybe it was just life.
I met 29 families to share data, classwork, progress. We meet four times in two years. This was our fourth, and last. More than anything, I was struck by the difference between the first conference, and this, the final. Only one parent was upset with me, and even that was fleeting. The rest were supportive, grateful, happy. One year, six months gives time for trust, time for change to be observed. Some parents cried in gratitude. My heart was touched.
So often I don’t feel like I’m doing a good enough job. There are so many things to keep track of, so many needs to meet academically, behaviorally, emotionally. Sometimes students show improvement in one area more than others, maybe just behaviorally, maybe just through calmer emotions. Sure, everyone learns, but often it does not feel like enough. I am hard on myself. I want to see growth across the board. I want all my time and energy to pay off exponentially.
It is hard to sit in front of a family and say I did not fix everything, I am not perfect, I tried my best. Of course, I do not actually say any of that, but it feels so obvious that there is always more to be done. This week I realized most families are grateful for what did change, where their child did grow. The tears and smiles and words of gratitude were my proof. This week wore me out, but it also reminded me that what I do really matters, not just to me, or my students, but to their families as well.
Honorable benevolence strikes again in my classroom. My dear friend’s lovely boyfriend is an animator for Clone Wars and put together a collection of items for my students. As I explained to my principal this morning how I plan to use the items, she remarked that I have an amazing group of friends. Jackets, speaking engagements, now Star Wars goodies direct from the source– I have to agree.
Needless to say, my students were delighted. I made a new daily award to earn the figurines on their desks. Tomorrow three students will bask in the protective glory of solving geometry problems in the shadow of Darth and his friends, (yeah, yeah, I know, bad guys, but whatever, the kids dig it). We named them the Warriors of Knowledge.
I have to say, today was quiet on the behavior front. They’re excited and I’m grateful. Thank you kind people of the universe, (and Don, in particular!).
My sister orchestrated a coat drive at her school over the holidays to benefit my students. I didn’t ask her to, it was part of her “right action” project. On Sunday night, two huge bins of jackets were loaded into the back of my car. Each included a carefully drawn flyer reminding others of the importance of right action. I felt mighty proud of my kid sister.
Yesterday, I got a thank you letter in the mail to give to our student council. Our food drive, organized by the kids in December, contributed nearly 2,000 meals. The first load alone weighed more than 300 lbs.
Today a parent set up a schedule to work in my classroom. She plans to spend an hour in my room four days a week working with a student who is special to her, my very own Maniac Magee. Her husband is scheduled to volunteer a couple days a week too, on his days off. They do not even have a kid in my class. They also spend significant time at my school in other rooms, art and their own children’s. They are just that kind.
Last week, a good friend came in on her hard-earned day off to talk to my class about being a journalist and going to grad school. This month my dad plans to volunteer as well. My mom sent healthy snacks for the kids in December and was so excited by their gratitude she just ordered more…
Sometimes when my job feels like a lot to carry, I am blown away by how others are willing to share the load. I am most humbled when this help comes out of nowhere. Just when it seems like I could not possibly ask for anything more, someone else reaches out and makes a difference, reinvigorating my dedication to my work and my faith in people.
So, it’s about that time.
All the cool kids are doing it.
Must post something about 2013. You know, resolutions or something.
To be fair, I DO love resolutions. One of my life goals is to spend every New Year’s Day at the ocean, reflecting. I decided awhile back that it’s a much better way to spend the new year than hung over on the couch.
Not sure I’ll make the ocean part happen this year, we’ll see.
But, before I can look forward, I have to look back.
2012.
Struggle and happiness, chaos and peace. Immense gratitude. I learned, a lot. I wrote, a lot. So much stuffed into 12 months. Do I have it all figured out? Not hardly. But, I feel better balanced than ever before. Happy, even. In the spirit of Thankfulness Thursdays, I leave you with my 2012 Gratitude List (and pictures dug out of this year’s blog).
Work:
I feel so fortunate to have a teaching job as a new-ish teacher in our current economy. This year was hard, but I became a better teacher one day at a time, and each day I feel a step closer to making this my lifelong work, instead of something I lovingly survive for the time being. So much gratitude.
2012’s valentines to my students, proof my heart is in the right place!
And, can’t complain about my night job. It may not pay the bills (yet) but writing makes me happy.
Reading:
I was definitely an ADHD reader this year. Still have ten or so titles half finished on my dresser… The book I was most grateful to finish, hands down, Dear Sugar.
Cheryl Strayed speaks to every human emotion in this book. So real, so touching. She writes with an unabashed openness I strive to emulate…
Music:
I’m thankful for the Lumineers’ soulful lyrics set to summer in the backyard with family, our car cruising down the coast, a sea of people at Golden Gate Park…
Places:
So much gratitude to live on such a beautiful planet and to have the means to see it even in a year that did not always feel easy.
San Francisco at sunrise
Magical Kauai
Oregon Coast sunset
Mom’s Mt. Shasta
People:
More than anything else, I am grateful for the people in my life, friends, family, near and far… Oh yeah, and my dog too, he counts, right?
No greater gratitude than for the people in my life.
Health:
And, not to be forgotten, this was the year I discovered my own power in healing. So thankful.
Yoga, meditation… healing.
Other bloggers:
Even though I started blogging in 2011, my move to WordPress cemented my commitment to putting my words out there and becoming part of a greater community. I am truly grateful for all the connections I have made this year– words of wisdom from every corner of the globe, thank YOU!
So, your turn, what tops your 2012 Gratitude List?
Not sure what is in the air, but today was awesome. Tuesdays usually bug the heck out of me because I have no prep and my kids go a little stir crazy in my room from 11:40 to 3:15. I try to get them outside for a bit, but that doesn’t always do the trick.
Today we went outside to measure how far we can jump in order to calculate how far we could jump in alternate gravity environments. They loved imagining how they would float more than six times as far on the moon or sink like an anchor on Jupiter.
And, one of my all-time favorite kid quotes emerged from the day:
“Mrs. M, Mrs. M!”
“Yes?”
“If a girl ever says she’s into bad boys, I’ll just tell her I stay up past my bedtime!”
Instant classic.
I don’t think the day was fundamentally less stressful than any other, I just did a good job of centering myself and being present. Maybe it’s the upcoming break, maybe it’s all the yoga and meditation, who knows, but I’ll take it!
Speaking of yoga, I came home to two little gems: 1. A surprise yoga magazine from Alex’s trip to Whole Foods, 2. A yoga book a yoga-teaching friend recommended. Talk about excitement. I spent the first half of my evening reading on my yoga mat, (which, I might add is a great way to stretch and read simultaneously…).
Grateful for a good day and looking forward to an inspiring, productive, transformative winter break and 2013.
My aunt recently asked how I have time to read so many books… Sad answer, I have book ADHD… I read multiple books simultaneously, resulting in slow completion times but exposure to a lot of great information. There is just too much good stuff to read in the world. I’m adding these reads to my yoga recommendation list.
On this, the final Thankfulness Thursday, I decided to share my gratitude for the very day of Thanksgiving itself. While my mother’s family honors our Native American heritage, we do not boycott the day. Instead, we make it our own, embracing the positive aspects of giving thanks and coming together as a family to enjoy a meal and honor abundance. We celebrated on Tuesday, sharing a feast of GMO-free, organic food in Mt. Shasta, toasting Bodhichitta and watching the rain fall all day on a blanket of orange leaves.
Today I am grateful for two Thanksgivings, one in Mt. Shasta, one in Sacramento. Two families that are really one because they are both mine. Food, laughter, love. I am grateful. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
A happy, rainy Thanksgiving.
Full of many reminders for love and peace…
As well as the obligatory post-Turkey hangover.
I remember hearing once that we are presented with the same lesson over and over until we really get it. If this is true, my current lesson is definitely related to patience and progress. Maybe that’s what I get for questioning the old saying, patience is a virtue. I still stand by the idea that sometimes it’s good not to be patient. However, this season of my life seems to be all about patience. Patience with my writing, patience with my teaching, patience with myself.
My love for writing has not waned, but my belief in myself wavers all the time. The description of my book is an eternal work in progress. I tweak a little here, a little there, a little better throughout time, but still not what it needs to be. Expecting Happiness also deserves a revisit with what I have learned in the past couple months. Naga (my NaNoWriMo project) was off to a good start but now I’m questioning whether my foray into fantasy was just that, a temporary adventure. I get that every word is progress, it just feels unbearably slow sometimes.
Teaching. Is. Hard. I was telling Alex last night that I feel like a big part of my job is improv. Sure I plan my lessons, but when it comes down to it, no script is ever going to work. Real life is messy. Kids are messy. Their ingenious questions redirect my plans all the time. Yes I’m getting better, but teaching is not something you just work hard at and then are instantly great. In fact, it was the first thing in my life where the correlation between hard work and success wasn’t immediate. Then you add in a pilot teacher evaluation system where I am graded on rubric after rubric and I start to feel a little less than stellar. I know it will pay off, but the progress is much slower than I’d like.
Me. Patience with myself is harder to define here, open to the world. There are just certain aspects of my life that I expected to be different by 30. No, 30 isn’t here, but it feels like it’s knocking on my door.
The lesson in all of this, progress takes time, little by little, bit by bit, day by day, hour by hour… The important part is continuing to put in the work that will eventually get me wherever it is I am headed. But here’s the best part. Thanks to this blog, I don’t feel alone in this. From my heart, I appreciate each and every one of you that is accompanying me on this sometimes slow journey, from friends and family in real life to friends on the other side of a computer screen. Thank you.
It’s pretty easy by Thursday evening to feel more than drained. A bit of gratitude goes a long way. This week, I’m grateful for abundance. Another blogger recently wrote about how we must acknowledge the abundance in our lives in order to create more… And, I have to admit, it is pretty humbling to stop and realize how much abundance most of us already have.
Tuesday, when I was home sick, I spent the better part of the morning digging through the past year of pictures to decide what to put on our holiday card, (yes, even when I’m sick I feel the need to cross something off my to-do list). As the last 12 months rolled by, I was struck by how even during years of fiscal conservatism my life is full of so many fortunate, happy moments.
Sure it would be nice to have that money to fly to Sweden to visit my cousin or to feel more economically secure or to… The list goes on, but really none of those things would change the fact that my life is already full. I worried that giving up a third of my income to become a teacher would create a life that felt less abundant, but that could not be further from the case. I now have more time to enjoy abundance as well as a completely different definition of the word.
Tonight I am grateful for the abundance in my life: my family, friends, dog, cat, house, job, coworkers, students, food, yoga, travel, writing, love… My life is incredibly full, especially when I take the time to stop and look. If you haven’t flipped through your 2012 pictures lately, you should. Talk about life compressed into a few captured moments. Abundance, abundance, abundance.
I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite moments from this year. It was hard to pick.
Three weeks left, so three thankfulness moments:
Each morning this week I’ve awakened a half hour before I need to get out of bed, giving me time to appreciate my snuggling dog and husband. More often than not, I’ve been the middle spoon. Tuesday I lay awake and realized there was nowhere else on earth I would rather be. No where. Sharing one pillow with a dog and a spouse may not seem like heaven to many, but it is to me. Now if only the alarm didn’t have to go off at 6AM…
So grateful for these two guys!
A student in my class wrote me a letter today. She asked me to please talk to her in the same voice she used with me, calm and quiet. Unfortunately, she was caught in the crossfires of some stern words to another student. I did not yell, but I was short with her. Her little note humbled me. Instead of feeling bad I just felt like she was right. I apologized and kept the reminder with me all day. The same student is working on casting a kindness spell on our classroom. Maybe it already worked on me. As long as she keeps her spells positive, I am grateful…
Waiting on my doorstep this evening was a box full of herbal tinctures, vitamins, and teas. I’m on an experimental quest. I’ll spare you the gritty details. Most of us have one medical challenge or another (or maybe multiple). I feel fortunate mine is minor compared to many. However, doctors cannot fix it. Pain killers have been my only option. Recently, I discovered a different path. I’m seeing a woman who combines physical and mental healing with massage and home treatments. Might sound a bit hippie to some, but I feel empowered. Might just transform into a full-on hippie yet. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude…
Today was challenging but writing all that made me feel better. Maybe you should give Thankfulness Thursday a shot too. Only two weeks/three posts until Thanksgiving!
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Don’t forget! Thankfulness Thursday linkup at Domestic Fashionista. It’s funny, I almost wrote about watching some of my students battle writer’s block as we’ve started NaNoWriMo in my classroom. Turns out Ashley over at Domestic Fashionista already had this topic covered for the week! Great minds…
oliviaobryon 