Category Archives: Life

Feb 01 2012
Leave a comment
Life

It is good.

I know that I said that I was done with my book.  That may have been an exaggeration, or better put, a partial truth.  It’s more like I am done with the story.  However, in my fiery haste to write 50,000 words in two months, I left a lot to be polished and expanded.  Now, Tuesday nights are my night to write, my time alone, inside my head.

Tonight’s polishing stretched me to 53,000 words.  That’s about 212 book pages…  When all is said and done, I expect to have more like 60,000 words, or 240 pages, which is still on the shorter side for most published novels.  I just wish that I had the time to sit and focus and get it done.  Going back is fun, layers are emerging, new chapters are appearing between old ones.  Spring break can’t come fast enough.

Despite my restlessness, my theme for life this week is, “It is good.”  Anything that I find myself complaining about, I am following up with “It is good.”  For example, as much as I cannot wait for spring break to write with more abandon, I know that it is good that somehow I’m still finding a way to write in spite of my busy life.  It is good that I’m passionate enough about it to still make it happen.  It is actually kind of magical when I think about it.  My book has grown out of seemingly nowhere.  It is good to have something that energizes me to come home after a long day at work.  It is good.

I’m finding that this phrase applies to anything.  It is good that teaching is challenging, hard, makes me want to scream, cry, kick, laugh.  I am becoming tougher and more capable.  It is good that plans change and schedules are not always kept.  I am becoming more flexible and more appreciative of the people around me in the moment…

All things seemingly bad or challenging have their silver linings.  They make us tougher, smarter, braver.  They push us to grow.  They force us to make changes and move forward.  Granted, I know that not all challenging things seem this way, I just pray that I have the strength to make them all this way, to be conscious enough to find the good in everything, even the really hard things.

It is good.  Life is good.

I leave you with my favorite songs of the evening:

Tagged , ,
Jan 27 2012
2 Comments
Life

Three cheers for the introverts!

I consider myself a forced extrovert, otherwise known as an introvert.  I can force myself to be loud and outspoken, but it requires effort.  Granted, teaching has helped me to be more extroverted, but I’m still naturally quiet, reflective, and enjoy spending time on my own, (just not all of the time!).  I look forward to my quiet days at home with my computer and a blank screen for writing, (one of the perks of forcing myself to be extroverted as a teacher is that is buys me time to introverted on my breaks while everyone else is off working).  I often lose myself in my thoughts and have spent my life labeled as quiet.  I think that all of this earns me the title of introvert, at least to some degree.

Now, this is what gets me.  My whole life, people have confused quiet with shy.  In fact, I’ve confused quiet with shy, thinking that somehow I must lack confidence because I’m quiet.  Yes, there are times I am and have been shy, but a lot of what has earned me the label as shy is not a fear of speaking up or a lack of confidence, but rather a preference for quiet reflection.  I choose when to talk and often do not feel the need to add anything to group discussions, (unless no one is speaking up, then I feel the need to carry the conversation… I felt sorry for how much my fellow resident teachers had to hear me talk in seminar!).  This distinction is important because I have always felt that being shy or quiet is stigmatized.  More often that not, people have told me that I am quiet with a certain condescension, (or at least a perceived condescension).

Okay, now here is the kicker–  I think a big part of why I’ve forced myself to be more outgoing is because so much external value is put on being outgoing.  No one wants to shout from the roof tops that they’re an introvert, (irony intended).  Instead, it’s way cooler to self-identify as an extrovert, even when taking those silly personality tests that pop up in school and jobs.  Growing up I never liked it when I identified as an introvert on one of those tests; I’d actually find myself trying to bend the answers as to sound more extroverted while not technically lying!  Who am I kidding, even in recent years I have found myself wanting to fudge those tests.  We rank extroverts as better in our society!

Today I stumbled across a blog entry about a new book, Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.  Reading an interview of the author, I felt proud to be an introvert for the first time in my life!  I like that I am comfortable in quiet, that I lose myself in my head.  It is what makes me me.  I think that the world would be a better place if we introverts took more pride in ourselves, our true, quiet, selves…  If you want to borrow the book after I’m done, let me know.

My glasses and North Face down puffy vest are two of my favorite introvert paraphernalia… Okay, I’ll admit it, that was a stretch of a caption to justify including this picture in this blog entry.  It’s my favorite.  I’m obsessed.  Does being quirky come with being an introvert?
Tagged ,
Jan 22 2012
2 Comments
Life, Teaching, Writing

The Mixed Emotions of Sunday

Each week, Sunday brings mixed emotions for me.  My job as a teacher can be all-consuming, so Sunday reminds me that it’s time to gear back up and get ready for the week to come.  It requires grading, planning, and refocusing to minimize my stress during the week.  It is also the day that I visit my family and attempt to catch up on my book.  Writing is requiring a lot of patience because I have so little time to do it and so much desire to lose myself in it…  Not to mention grocery shopping or making sure that our house is clean for the week!

In short, Sunday is full.
I know that life is full too, not just Sundays, but for whatever reason Sundays often feel like the fullest day of the week.  I find myself trying to cram everything that I want to accomplish into Sundays because the week days are monopolized by teaching and Saturday is the day that I let myself relax, do less, and generally spend my time with Alex, (since it’s the only day off of the week that we share).
I want to learn how to achieve more balance while also holding onto all of my priorities.  I guess prioritizing is a part of life, I just wish that I had time for everything!  What a lovely world it would be if I could get everything done that I need to be a good teacher, have plenty of time to write my book, keep a clean house, get enough exercise, and still have enough time for my friends, family, and Alex.  I can’t even imagine what it feels like when you add children into the equation.  I guess your priorities shift.  
For now I just want to figure out how to fit all of my priorities into the picture!  I think that is why Sunday is bittersweet for me; I have so many things that I want to do with this one precious day and only 12 hours or so to do them!  I’m sure that there is some Zen teaching that would help me about now, but no time to look– happily off to the next Sunday priority but also sad to be putting my writing away for the day!
Tagged , , ,
Jan 10 2012
4 Comments
Life, Teaching

Kettle Corn, Sparkly Shoes, and Being a Little Girl

Early this evening I found myself sitting on my kitchen counter, eating a bag of kettle corn.  Let me be specific, when I say eating a bag of kettle corn, I don’t mean a handful.  Likewise, when I describe myself as sitting on the counter, I was fully on the counter, like feet extended out on the counter, not just casually leaning against it.  I did not even bother to take my jacket off.  I just came in, sat on the counter, and ate kettle corn, sulking.  This may all seem trivial, but for those of you that know me, I routinely attempt to eat no sugar and the act of sitting on the counter gorging myself in it was pure rebellion.  I was acting like a small child.

It took my phone ringing to realize that I was pouting.  Pouting about a bad end to my afternoon and an overwhelmed moment of stress, I was having a moment.  Which brings me to here and now.  I’ve decided that 2012 is the year that I’m finally ready to shed my pouty baby self and be done with her.    You would think that by 28 I would be well past that phase, but I still have my moments.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that I looked a lot like many of my fourth graders, sitting there throwing popcorn at the dog and feeling sorry for myself.

Somehow, all of this makes me think about something that I said last week to another teacher, “The secret to happiness is sparkly shoes.”  Wearing a new pair of Toms with threading that sparkle, I walked around in a good mood all week, smiling when I noticed that I was wearing sparkly shoes.  Upon discussing my happy mood I decided that it HAD to be the shoes.  I felt like a little girl.  The simple things, I tell you, the simple things!  Apparently the child inside of me is not all bad.

I leave you with this cute child for no other reason than that her picture made me smile.  I found her when googling sparkly Toms and wished that I could be as stylish as she is…  I could not find my shoes, (I kept getting the crazy sequin ones!), but trust me, they’d make you smile too.  I guess that growing up is finding the balance between letting the pouty child go and keeping the one that is still full of wonder about the simple things, like sparkly shoes and kettle corn.

Tagged
Jan 07 2012
2 Comments
Home, Life

A simple kind of happy…

It’s early Saturday afternoon and I feel happy.  Not over-the-top, I-cannot-believe-it happy, but sentimental, quiet happy.  I woke up late, basking in rare, more-than-ten hours, sleep.  Instead of jumping out of bed to conquer my usual Saturday morning to-do list, I just lay there, awakening slowly with my dog buried deep under the covers, the cat stalking us for her morning wet food, and my husband squinting at me through his own sleep, wary of my eternal enthusiasm for morning jokes and horseplay when I awaken before him.  It felt nice to linger.

Instead of pouting when he left to go have breakfast and hit up a movie with his dad, I turned up Pandora loud, tuning into my usual Iron and Wine eclecticism.  Cleaning the house I did not feel annoyed that this was the way I was spending my day off.  Instead, I felt grateful for my house, grateful for my little family of Alex, my dog, and our cat.  Grateful for the sun and a whole day without work.  Now, I’m sitting on our couch, taking in the odor of wet dog as Simon’s six-month-overdue bath was finally crossed off my to-do list, drinking a delicious cup of tea (thanks Dana!), still listening to Pandora, and typing.  I feel happy.  Like I said, not an over-the-top happy, but hopefully a more sustainable kind of happy, a real kind of happy.
My newly-bathed, ever companion
And a cup of tea… Perfect.
It’s funny how whenever I start to feel this way, I get nervous.  I become scared that it will go away too quickly.  I try to figure out how to hold on to it, how to make sure that it doesn’t disappear, allowing the anxiety of losing it to cloud the experience.  I don’t trust happiness, sad, but true.  This time, I’m trying instead to just be in it and know that when it goes, it will come back again.  I’m trying to learn to trust it.

Even so, I find myself examining the recipe for this current contentment.  This time, I think it is a culmination of the end of the holidays and the beginning of a bright year.  Last year, letting go of the holidays was unusually painful.  This year, even though they were among my favorite of this lifetime, I’m simultaneously excited for 2012:  I missed my students and enjoyed seeing them this week.  I am reinvigorated to figure out how to teach them and make them feel loved.  I cannot wait to get home each night and work on my book.  I am surrounded by amazing people.

I’m in love with my life, just as it is right now.  For once, it’s not about where I’m going, but where I am.  Wow, writing this now, I don’t actually think that I’ve ever felt like this before.  I mean, I’ve been happy, but not in this deeply satisfied, full-of-purpose, present way.  It’s actually making me tear up just to type this.  Don’t get me wrong, there is still plenty of pain, anxiety, and uncertainty around me, but somehow there is still this overarching sense of contentment, like I’m on the right path.  I don’t write this to brag, but instead to share, remind, and reflect, because I know that like everything, it won’t always feel this way.  Even in the course of a week, there are ups and downs that make it easy to forget how to get here.  Nonetheless, I’m still searching for the secret to consciously cultivating lasting happiness.  It has to be out there somewhere…

I leave you with these little gems, each in some way inspiration for my book and each repeat offenders on my Iron and Wine Pandora station:

Happy Saturday.

Tagged
Jan 01 2012
3 Comments
Life

So what if you don’t keep your New Year’s resolutions!

People always grumble about New Year’s resolutions. They complain about how they never keep them, so why make them…

I disagree.

Making my New Year’s resolutions is a yearly ritual. Thanks in large part to my dad, I have sat down every year since I was a kid to make my resolutions. For the past few years, I’ve called them “Envisioned,” instead of resolutions. For example, last year was “2011 Envisioned.” The simple act of calling my resolutions “Envisioned” has helped me to refocus my intentions on what I want my year to look like instead of how I want to change myself. Of course, those traditional little resolutions related to change still sneak themselves in there, but the big goal of sitting down and looking forward is to actually ask myself what I want in life. That’s a pretty exciting and important question!

Last week, I dug up my resolutions for the past few years and reread them. Even though I may not have successfully given up sugar or gone to the gym religiously, it was really exciting to be able to look back five years and see that overall I’ve moved my life in a direction that I already foresaw back then. It’s strange to revisit your past self and realize that you really are the same person! That may sound odd, but a lot of times, I think we see our current self as so different and evolved from our previous versions, when really, we are our past, present, and future self simultaneously.

Okay, okay, I’m getting a little metaphysical, I know, but this is a concept that fascinates me.  At any rate, going through my previous resolutions reminded me that I really am, to some degree, controlling my destiny through envisioning what I want my life to look like each year. I also noticed that I break my goals into common themes each year, whether I made my resolutions in a journal, as a collage, or on a gigantic piece of watercolor canvas.  These themes include:  Health, Family, Finance, Career, and (Intentional) Joy. Even the goals that changed because life changed are interesting to go back and reread. Remembering these changes reminds me of different points in my life that I may have forgotten without these road maps. Most exciting, is seeing the goals that are many years old finally coming to fruition, (finding a job I like, writing a book, traveling, etc.).

I think that New Year’s Day is becoming one of my favorite holidays as an adult! I am genuinely excited to sit down today and envision 2012. If you have made it through my rambling thoughts above, I invite you to join me today in envisioning your life in 2012.  Stop worrying about whether you’ll keep your resolutions and just make them. What do you want your life to look like this year? What do you need to do to make this happen? Dream big, you might surprise yourself.

Over the years, my resolutions have taken on a variety of different mediums.
Regardless of the medium, I have always broken up my resolutions into categories.
This was one of my favorite years to look back at; I made it during college and through my travels since then I have always thought back to this collage and spotted the scenes that mimic what I envisioned.  The most memorable was when Alex and I moved to Berkeley and found an old church up the hill from our apartment that looked exactly like the picture third down from the upper right-hand corner.  I believe that we do create at least some of our reality, so use this time to create one that you’re excited about!
“To see is to create!”
Tagged ,
Dec 13 2011
Leave a comment
Life

Young Adult

Do you remember the girl that you hated in school?  The one with the clone worshippers that liked her even though she was blatantly mean to everyone?

If you were like me, you probably spent your high school days fantasizing about what that girl was going to end up like in her late thirties.  I’ll spare you the tasteless details of how I imagined my high school nemesis to turn out, but trust me, it was not pretty.  I, on the other hand, imagined myself to be a sophisticated world traveler, educated, poised, wealthy.  Always wearing heels and a dress from Anthropologie. Funny what we think will matter most.
This weekend I saw the movie Young Adult with Charlize Theron and was reminded of these teenaged fantasies.  The movie was funny, dark, and unbearable at moments.  I left hating it, even if it made me laugh.  But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was the moment that all underdogs wait for– the chance to see the villain suffer.
The irony to me, is that I wanted the villain to change, to grow, to improve and to become likeable.  Instead of wanting to watch her fail, I desperately wanted to watch her change.  The suffering was not rewarding, it was depressing.  I realized that I would much rather discover that my nemesis had changed and become her friend.  What a departure from my 17 year-old self!
I was also shocked to see little pieces of myself in her, remembering moments that I had been shallow or unkind in life and laughing uncomfortably at some of her adult tastes and habits, (umm, pretty sure I own the same pair of sunglasses, have a pomeranian, and have been known to glue myself to “reality” television).  Granted, these moments paled in comparison to this villain, but there is a certain shame in seeing the villain in yourself, as well as a certain introspection in seeing the mirror reflected back at you.

It made me laugh how she so adamantly opposed the idea of a life in her home town, set on the idea that the city would make her happier, cooler, more important.  Been there, done that, (and returned home again).  It also made me think about how much my vision of adult life has changed from the age of 17 to now.  I would have never fantasized about being an elementary school teacher, married, living in Sacramento.  But, now, here am I, consciously embracing all of those things.  Life is funny.

So, even though it was dark, a little over the top, and at times painful to watch, I change my review.  I liked Young Adult.  It made me think, a lot.  
Tagged ,
Nov 26 2011
Leave a comment
Life, Teaching

Perspective

This morning I woke up excited to go back to school on Monday.  Instead of a dream where nothing was going right in my classroom, I dreamed that I had a fabulous day where everything was coming together and I felt like an effective teacher.  Dreams are very powerful in setting the tone during my waking hours.  Now, I am sitting here re-energized to go back to school, excited to see my students, eager to try some new tricks and to be consistent with my old ones.

It sure beats the dreams I have where everything is going wrong and I wake up a stress-case!  It’s funny too, just yesterday I was telling a friend how the end of breaks are always so hard for me, how I start to stress about time slipping away from me, about how quickly I’ll be back absorbed in the challenges of my classroom.  However, with a shift in perspective brought on by a restful week and an encouraging dream, I’m now sitting here excited to go back.

Realizing how easily my perspective can shift from a stressful one to an excited one causes me to wonder whether there is an easy trick for always remembering to reframe my thinking.  I feel like it is trickier than it sounds, but I also think it is funny how often something seemingly little can help me change how I see things.  In this case, I’d like to find a way to always remember to step back and look at my job as an exciting and rewarding challenge when I start to become stressed, overwhelmed, or nervous.  I’m determined that it is possible.  If you have any tricks, I’d love to hear them.

So, happy Saturday.  I am determined not to look at today as two days before I have to go back to work or as “Oh no, time is running out.”  Instead, I am determined to embrace today as its own, completely independent entity full of events and activities that I have been looking forward to, as well as a chance to get caught up on little tasks before everything gets busy again.  May you have an equally enjoyable and productive day and remember that how you look at everything around you matters too.

Tagged , ,
Nov 17 2011
1 Comment
Life

Fall Colors

Yesterday I remembered why fall is my favorite season.  Driving home from work at dusk, the sun shone through the brilliant oranges, reds, and yellows of the leaves on the trees.  The green belt behind my school is alive with color.  In fact, it’s hardly green at all right now!  Today I was determined to capture its magnificence in a photograph but missed my window, leaving just a few minutes too late to capture the light.  It is so easy to forget to stop and look at the beauty around us, even in as unlikely a place as an older suburban neighborhood in Sacramento.  This weekend I am determined to bask in all of fall’s blazing colors before they slip away into the messy piles of rotting leaves that December brings.

I think that is the hardest thing about life, if you do not consciously stop to appreciate something, it will slip away before you realize it.  I guess that is the truth to the saying in my family of this too shall pass.  I think that we should add to the end that this too shall pass, whether you like it or not.

I know that I have said it before, but sometimes I wish that I could put life on pause and just stop and take it all in.  Fleeting, but beautiful, but hard, but worth it.  I know that each passing experience leads to another that has its own worth.  I just want to remember to actually stop and appreciate what is around me before it is gone.  A worthwhile sentiment for a month focused on gratitude, I suppose.  

Tagged
Nov 09 2011
5 Comments
Life

Ugly Face

This is probably going to sound really cliche, but today I was thinking about beauty and it really hit me that what makes someone memorably beautiful is not just how they look but who they are.  We all grow up hearing that true beauty is on the inside, and while I have always agreed, I have never stopped to think about what this means to me.

Like most women, I have spent too much time worrying about how I look, but I have never stopped to think about how who I am affects this perception.  The women that are most beautiful to me are the ones whose inner beauty shines.  Likewise, the men that are least attractive to me are the ones that have “ugly souls,” regardless of outer appearance.

As silly as it may sound, thinking about what I see as beauty in others is changing how I strive to cultivate beauty in myself.  I would much rather be remembered for my inner beauty than my outer appearance.  Moreover, it seems that the truer your inner beauty, the less you care at all about how others perceive you, inside or out.  I want to get there.  I’m trying to get there, but I still find myself critical of my outward appearance in most pictures that cross my path.

Maybe the first step to letting go of the importance of how people perceive you is by broadcasting to the world your ugliest face?

An old friend of mine recently began doing temporary street installations in LA called Ugly Face, where she projects “ugly” faces onto the walls of buildings in public spaces (http://uglyfacewednesdays.tumblr.com/).  I admire her for challenging our cultural obsession with outer beauty.  Seeing her facebook posts tonight got me thinking about all of this.  So in honor of an old friend, here is my ugly face.  I will admit, it took effort to try and not find a way to be cute while being ugly.  I found myself trying to pick the cutest of my ugly faces, which made me realize that I wasn’t doing it right.

So here are my ugliest.  Stephanie you have my permission to have my ugly faces.  Thanks for reminding me to laugh at myself and not take how others might perceive me so seriously.  You rock.

Yes, I’m still wearing my jacket and scarf as I blog on my couch.  I may be too tired to change clothes, my initial excuse was that it was cold when I got home, but the heater has been on for an hour and I haven’t moved…

Tagged ,
Sep 14 2011
1 Comment
Life

Choice

I did not choose to be straight.


Every time I hear someone say that being gay is a choice, I laugh.  I cannot help but then imagine whether the person that is saying this decided to be straight.  Did they sit there and consciously decide who to be sexually attracted to?  Are they admitting that they could be gay if they did not decide to be straight?


Put yourself in the reverse shoes.  Can you imagine forcing yourself to be gay just to fit in?  I can’t.  I’d “choose” to love Alex anyway, even if meant I had to become a pariah in some circles.


***


This morning I began my day by perusing the New York Times on my phone.  I’ve found that this tactic is far more effective than the snooze button because it forces my brain to wake up and gives me something to look forward to… Yes, I am a nerd.  Yes, I also look at Facebook, which is why you may get 5:55 AM messages from me.


Back to the subject at hand, I woke up to an article on gay students being bullied and committing suicide in Minnesota.  The school district has a policy that teachers “shall remain neutral on matters regarding sexual orientation” that has resulted in many teachers ignoring or mishandling the bullying of gay students.  Apparently, it is difficult to address the bullying of gay students without also sending a message that gay students, and thus being gay, should be accepted.


I find this appalling.  As a country, we have more-or-less figured out how to accept different religious beliefs, but many of us still refuse to accept different sexual orientations to the point that young people are killing themselves as not to have to go to school.  At my own high school growing up, I remember being filled with anger as I listened to the football players harass two boys in my PE class, ruthlessly calling them fags, among other things.  If I only knew then what I know now.  If I only had the courage then that I have now.


Even though I clearly believe that being gay is not a choice, (nor something to be ashamed of), I do not understand why acceptance of homosexuality in schools is interpreted to be the same thing as endorsement.  I also do not understand how those teachers could interpret the district policy as a directive to underplay the bullying of gay students.  As a teacher, I understand that sometimes bullying is difficult to pinpoint, especially since there is always more to the story than shared.  However, acceptance of all students is non-negotiable for me.  I do not understand how, regardless of core beliefs, it could be negotiable for anyone else.


My heart goes out to all of the students in this article and all of the people in this world that get mistreated for being themselves.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/13/us/13bully.html
Side note: Not exactly sure what’s up with the spacing of this post…  
Tagged , ,
Sep 08 2011
Leave a comment
Life, Teaching

Something Old

Yesterday after I wrote about my necklace, I remembered how as a kid I used to carry around a good luck charm in my pocket.  In elementary school alone, I went to four different schools, and often had trouble making new friends in the beginning.  Somewhere along the way, I devised a plan to carry the little porcelain chick below in my pocket.  Just like the necklace, it helped to give me both courage and comfort when I felt alone.  Given its small size, I’m amazed that I never lost it!

Now that I teach kids, the chick is a good reminder that sometimes we all need something magical to believe in.  I’ve noticed that many of them carry little toys in their pockets that I confiscate throughout the day.  It never occurred to me that some of these toys might be a source of strength when they need it!  
Tomorrow I will bring my little chick to class and share my story with them.  Maybe it will mean something to some of them. I just hope that I can help make their childhoods a little happier, (even if I still have to temporarily confiscate their good luck charms from time to time!).  
Tagged ,
← Older posts
Newer posts →