Category Archives: Teaching

Week 20: It’s All About Heart

When I started teaching on my own, a year and a half ago, I counted every week as a fraction of the school year. I was not sure I could make it, so I had to think in tenths, and fifths, and halves. For the first couple months, each week was a victory.

In my second year, I still count the weeks, but mainly for planning purposes. Only the big fractions stand out. Today is the end of week 20, the school year is half way done. My biggest obstacle is exhaustion. I like teaching but it makes me tired. This week I realized that’s the one thing left that makes me question how long I can last.

It’s not like sitting in a cube and writing economic analysis all day, (which I did for almost three years). It’s standing on my feet, raising my voice, putting on a show, quickly responding to a million little cues all day long. The first week of school my body ached, my throat hurt, I went home each day and took a nap. Even now, by Friday afternoon, I’m drained.

However, the difference between a year ago and today is my heart. A year ago was about survival. Today is about love. I love my kids. I know they’re not mine. But I still love them. A year ago I was just getting to know them. I am so grateful for two years together. Even the most irritating behaviors often end in smiles now. I know which buttons to push, which tricks to use to make their anger dissolve into laughter.

This morning I woke up and realized I am three fourths done being their teacher. Fifth grade teachers think in fractions. The separation is already beginning. Their fifth grade, hormonal selves are becoming more social, less attached to me. Today we all ate lunch in the classroom to celebrate our academic success and instead of huddling around me like they did a year ago, they sat in little groups and ate. Occasionally one would stop by and chat, then move on.

I didn’t mind, though. I’m excited for what comes next, for them and me. I’m excited to see whether the next batch feels the same or different. Today I wrote in their morning message that we are half way done with fifth grade. I told them I will cry when I have to say goodbye, because I care. I made a few cry prematurely with that statement. Teaching is definitely about heart. Now if only I could figure out how to keep it from making me so darn tired.

Only fitting that we're studying the heart this week.

Only fitting that we’re studying the heart this week.

 

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Right Action & Overwhelming Goodness

My sister orchestrated a coat drive at her school over the holidays to benefit my students. I didn’t ask her to, it was part of her “right action” project. On Sunday night, two huge bins of jackets were loaded into the back of my car. Each included a carefully drawn flyer reminding others of the importance of right action. I felt mighty proud of my kid sister.

Yesterday, I got a thank you letter in the mail to give to our student council. Our food drive, organized by the kids in December, contributed nearly 2,000 meals. The first load alone weighed more than 300 lbs.

Today a parent set up a schedule to work in my classroom. She plans to spend an hour in my room four days a week working with a student who is special to her, my very own Maniac Magee. Her husband is scheduled to volunteer a couple days a week too, on his days off. They do not even have a kid in my class. They also spend significant time at my school in other rooms, art and their own children’s. They are just that kind.

Last week, a good friend came in on her hard-earned day off to talk to my class about being a journalist and going to grad school. This month my dad plans to volunteer as well. My mom sent healthy snacks for the kids in December and was so excited by their gratitude she just ordered more…

Sometimes when my job feels like a lot to carry, I am blown away by how others are willing to share the load. I am most humbled when this help comes out of nowhere. Just when it seems like I could not possibly ask for anything more, someone else reaches out and makes a difference, reinvigorating my dedication to my work and my faith in people.

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Week 19: Calm & Peace

The completion of week 19 feels momentous. 40 weeks in a school year. Practically half way done. In a blink, fifth grade will be over and I’ll be starting again with a room full of fourth graders.

Week 19 is 2013. As one apologetic behavior letter from a student reminded me, it’s a fresh start. It’s the frozen activities field beneath a thin blanket of fog and the backdrop of a rising sun, that one forgotten soccer ball settling into the icy mud. It’s smiling faces and getting called Mrs. Mac by that one kid who never opened up until now… Mrs. Mac, a softer, truncated nickname filled with more love than I can communicate.

It’s four kids receiving random acts of kindness, confused hugs for the extra attention. It’s my principal walking in to observe in the first hour on the first day back at school and me smiling unapologetically at the imperfection in my room, pure embrace of sleepy kids and calm.

It’s book reports that have blown me away. The girl with the purple guitar. The boy whose name should be Maniac Magee, who pretended to be the protagonist in Spiderwick Chronicles, much to the delight of all the other kids. Fifteen minutes of wild impersonation, jokes, energy, charisma. A cheer he taught the class, tugging on both ears, “Boggarts, boggarts, boggarts!” His joy in success and fame.

It’s also the intervention teacher’s compliment that I seemed so at peace watching his sometimes frenetic performance, a room of 29 other kids just seconds from bouncing off the walls. That edge where control could be lost, me more calm and centered than ever before. A friend who visited just in time to walk through all the other classrooms and take a peak at all the book report creations, recognizing the strength in my patience, sharing her grad school stories with my kids.

Week 19 gives me hope. Hope I can be calm almost all the time. Hope all this yoga and meditation are paying off. Hope I have found a sweet spot in my love and knowledge of my students. Week 19 is peace.

Peace

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My Humble Thoughts on Education (Did I mention I’m a teacher?)

As I drove to work this morning, NPR played a piece about standardized testing in California. Try as I might, I can’t find the link to the story, so I’ll give you a similar link from the Mercury News. Basically, California plans to phase out standardized testing and use a computer-based test that attempts to measure critical thinking instead. This is all part of the adoption of the National Common Core Standards.

Students will enter their responses into the computer, typing in what they think instead of selecting from a list of choices. On the surface, this may sound better than multiple choice. However, low income kids often do not have access to computers at home, while their wealthier counterparts often have personal devices at their disposal. The same goes at school. Some schools in California have a laptop for every kid, then there are schools like mine, with one computer lab shared by grades K-12.

As an added layer, English learners (ELs) communicate differently than their English-only peers, making their responses hard to compare. Even if the tests adjust for ELs, many families of ELs are afraid to identify as non-English speaking at home, making it impossible for schools to legally designate countless students who would benefit from the modifications.

As much as standardized testing may get under my skin, it is a way to measure students in all socioeconomic groups with less favor given to more privileged populations. Sure, there are still disparities in accessing the content on the test, as an EL fifth grader reading at a first grade level may not be able to accurately demonstrate his ability to think through problems he cannot 100% read, but at least he does not also have to hunt and peck his way through the test on a keyboard. Instead, he can pick an option that verbalizes what he may not be able to write on his own.

My two cents. If we want to fix education, open-ended testing on computers is not the answer. I hope I am proven wrong, (especially if the state actually goes through with it and I have to give these tests to my students). However, my initial impression is that a shift of this nature gives unfair advantage to students with wealthier backgrounds. True assessment of understanding requires different modes of input/output for different students. Traditional standardized tests may not fit the bill, but the solution seems worse.

I worry that our desperation for education reform is creating outcomes that do not reflect the realities of teaching students with different learning needs. I’ll leave you with a link to a Huffington Post article that illustrates some of the other attempts at education reform underway. I’d comment but that would be a whole different 500+ word entry, (and this teacher is a little on the tired side already).

Instead, I’ll just say that my school is part of a huge trial evaluation program funded by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation through the next five years to increase teacher effectiveness. I was also trained through a residency program funded by these same grants. As weird as it is to think about, I am one of those data points that will shape the debate on reform. So far my little dot is more effective than expected, but also a little wary of the implications.

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The Girl With the Purple Guitar

Today I have to share one of my favorite moments of my teaching career so far. As a creative alternative to our book report over break, one student asked if she could learn a song from Hunger Games to play for the class. I agreed and she did a beautiful job connecting the lyrics of the song to her reading.

This morning her mom showed up with her guitar in a big box. We weren’t going to present today, but since her guitar was already in class, I let her go as the first and only student for the day. Late in the afternoon, when students are usually too wiggly to sit still, we gathered on the carpet and she pulled out her pretty little purple guitar.

A bundle of nerves, she asked if we could close our eyes. With the sweetest ten-year old voice, she sang Taylor Swift’s “Eyes Open” as she strummed along. The whole class covered their eyes and swayed back and forth, mesmerized. In the middle, she messed up and asked to start over. This time she told everyone they could uncover their eyes. She played the song again, beautifully, with 30 pairs of eyes on her. When she finished, the room erupted in cheers.

It was one of those moments I wish I had on film. So sweet and filled with emotion. I wanted to cry as I watched her. She was so nervous, but she forced herself to be brave and do it anyway. It took at least five years for me to let Alex hear me sing. She sang to a room of ten and eleven year-olds with a presence, grace, and soul uncommon in most adult performers.

I guess you can say I’m glad to be back to work with my students. It always takes a couple days, but I get there.

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Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho, It’s Back to Work I Go!

I know as a teacher I should be the last person to complain to go back to work. I get breaks and I mostly like my job. Not such a bad life. Still, each time a break comes to a close, I go through a brief funk. It’s hard to let go of the time to write, to do yoga, to sleep, to see friends and family… It requires a shift in my brain to my other self.

Today I went back to work, the kids follow tomorrow. This evening I continued my longest consecutive string of yoga ever. I have been doing yoga everyday for a couple weeks and I am finally beginning to see why instructors encourage this– I feel amazing and am able to do more than I ever have been in the past, (even when I was doing 3-4 days of yoga/week). I share this now in hopes it helps to keep me dedicated. A little reminder to my future self.

I could never bring myself to invest the time or money to go to a yoga studio daily, (especially since most classes are 90 minutes and just getting there/home adds another 30 minutes to my day). However, I recently discovered that watching yoga on Hulu Plus is actually pretty productive, (even if the ads and cheese factor can be annoying). It is the missing piece I needed to break up my studio visits and a nice change of pace from the routines in books.

Coming home to yoga this evening, I realized there really are ways to make life feel more balanced and better after work. Now it’s time for a little tech-free quiet as the last ingredient to my evening… Tomorrow, kiddos, day one of my peace project, and some more yoga!

Student #8 has a happy note waiting on her desk for her day as my secret student.

Student #8 has a happy note waiting on her desk for her day as my secret student.

My room is ready for a new year and 30 happy kiddos.

My room is ready for a new year and 30 energetic kiddos.

And, you get to see my cat play with a toy whale because she's cute...

And, you get to see my cat play with a toy whale because she’s cute and we know she loves yoga too… yes, still.

Happy balanced Monday!

Happy balanced Monday!

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Don’t Have Children.

That’s what a woman at Costco said to me today. It was one of those lines that stick with you for the rest of the afternoon. Not because I plan to listen to her. Heck, I surround myself with 30 kids five days a week. I like them.

But, I also wonder how it will be different when they are my own. Right now I know 15 pregnant women. Of course, Facebook helps increase this total, but at least 6 of them I see regularly. Babies are everywhere I look. I guess that’s what happens when you’re almost 30. Eventually it will be my turn too, life willing.

This particular woman had two little ones under the age of 3. One in her cart, the other in grandma’s. “Please don’t touch the flowers, please don’t touch the flowers, STOP IT!!!” She lost her cool. As she shouted at the youngest, I realized what I must sound like when I lose my self-control at work. It doesn’t happen often, but occasionally I get really frustrated too. She turned to me, after aisles and aisles of keeping the same pace, and told me not to have children.

I felt for this poor woman. I could tell she was tightly wound and looking for perfection. A lot like me some of the time. I knew exactly what she felt like without even being a mom. I could imagine all the pressure. I could feel her stress in trying to maintain control. I could even see the exhaustion on her face.

I suppose in the beginning most parents have moments where they might say something similar to a perfect stranger, I just like to think I never will. I guess I have to actually have kids first to figure that out. Until then, I’m going to keep working on remaining calm in my classroom. I’m grateful to that woman for the reminder of what it looks like from the outside. I hope she finds some calm this weekend too.

Proof I'm not always rainbows and gingerbread houses either... But, at least I have a sense of humor about it!

Proof I’m not always rainbows and gingerbread houses either… At least I have a sense of humor about it.

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I Get Lost in My Mind

This morning I awoke earlier than usual to my dog convulsing at the edge of my bed. Worried he might vomit, I shooed him straight out the door to the backyard. Then I realized he could hardly walk. He was shaking. He could not breathe. I scooped him in my arms and wrapped him in a blanket. I held him on the couch until his breath steadied and his body was still.

I was afraid he was going to die. I breathed and whispered sweet words to him. I reminded myself of my childhood dog and her seizures. I convinced myself it was those stupid flea pills. He let me hold him for an eternity, then shook it off, ate breakfast, and went back to sleep.

The last couple days I have been lost in my mind. Yesterday, I wrote almost the entire day. I finished part of an essay to prove to the state of California that I deserve a clear teaching credential, (as if my survival through a grueling residency program and my first year on my own were not enough). I poured two or more hours back into my pitch, sculpting word by word.

When I write, I often disappear from everything else. I get sucked so deep into my mind that the day disappears into darkness. Sometimes I forget to eat. Last night I forced myself to take a break to do yoga. Pandora playing in the background, I wrote down the name of this song. This morning, after Simon was tucked back into my spot in bed, I sat and listened. Then I cried. I get so lost in my mind. I’m grateful to be awake.

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Hugs & The Incredible Shrinking Book

I’m down 4,000 words and not even half way through my revision. My inclination is to say yikes. Instead, I’m trying to embrace it. Words cut for the greater good of the book. Maybe I’ll put better ones back in…

I think that’s this month’s theme, embrace.

So many things in life we want to avoid or change, when really we need to embrace the lesson in each uncomfortable experience before we can move on. Isn’t that what they say in yoga all the time? Embrace instead of struggle?

With that logic, I need to embrace cutting words. I need to embrace teaching as a wonderful challenge. I need to embrace the limited time in a day and what this means for balance…

Seems simple enough, right?

At least it’s a one word reminder, embrace. And, it makes me think of hugs, which are nice too. Hug everything in life that’s challenging. I like that.

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Bloggers for Peace: Daily Acts of Kindness

One of my favorite bloggers, Kozo over at Everyday Gurus, recently started a group called Bloggers for Peace. The first challenge, pick a daily or weekly act of kindness for January and blog about it. I knew instantly what I needed to do.

All kids need love and special attention, but the reality is that in a room full of 30 students, some receive more than others. For my daily act of kindness, I am going to pick a different kid each day to go out of my way to make feel special. An instructional coach suggested I do this with my most behaviorally challenging kids, but I want to take it a step further and include all my students. Even the most outspoken could use a little extra love, and it has always bothered me that the quietest students go less noticed, especially if they do not act out or struggle academically.

So, each day in January, I will pick one student to quietly receive my attention. At a minimum, I will:

1. Write him/her a kind note, (this may be small, but I often notice that students keep my little notes in their pencil boxes or taped to the corner of their desks for months).

2. I ask students I see before school, “What is one good thing about today?” I will ask my student of the day this question because it forces students to be grateful and see their lives through a different lens. Often they shrug when I ask this question, but then we talk and they end up smiling as they realize they ate breakfast, hugged their dad goodbye, or have a nice warm place to come to school. One of my students now runs up to me every morning to tell me his one good thing. I want to make sure every student in my class reflects on this question at least once and gets more one-on-one conversation/attention for the day.

So, there you have it. 30 students means my little acts of kindness will carry me through to February, but it is a worthy cause and one I have been wanting to pursue for months. I already have a husky of the day who gets to help out, but I like that this will be a quieter, unexpected source of kindness. We go back to school January 8, so I will start with student number 8 and work my way through.

Hope you join Bloggers for Peace and find your own way to do something kind in January! I’ll report back on how my little experiment turns out.

Proof I won't forget. Post-it on my work laptop.

Proof I won’t forget. Post-it on my work laptop.

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Good-Bye 2012, It’s Been Real.

So, it’s about that time.

All the cool kids are doing it.

Must post something about 2013. You know, resolutions or something.

To be fair, I DO love resolutions. One of my life goals is to spend every New Year’s Day at the ocean, reflecting. I decided awhile back that it’s a much better way to spend the new year than hung over on the couch.

Not sure I’ll make the ocean part happen this year, we’ll see.

But, before I can look forward, I have to look back.

2012.

Struggle and happiness, chaos and peace. Immense gratitude. I learned, a lot. I wrote, a lot. So much stuffed into 12 months. Do I have it all figured out? Not hardly. But, I feel better balanced than ever before. Happy, even. In the spirit of Thankfulness Thursdays, I leave you with my 2012 Gratitude List (and pictures dug out of this year’s blog).

Work:

I feel so fortunate to have a teaching job as a new-ish teacher in our current economy. This year was hard, but I became a better teacher one day at a time, and each day I feel a step closer to making this my lifelong work, instead of something I lovingly survive for the time being. So much gratitude.

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2012’s valentines to my students, proof my heart is in the right place!

MacBook ad?  More distractions from revisions...

And, can’t complain about my night job. It may not pay the bills (yet) but writing makes me happy.

Reading:

I was definitely an ADHD reader this year. Still have ten or so titles half finished on my dresser… The book I was most grateful to finish, hands down, Dear Sugar.

Sugar says...

Cheryl Strayed speaks to every human emotion in this book. So real, so touching. She writes with an unabashed openness I strive to emulate…

Music:

I’m thankful for the Lumineers’ soulful lyrics set to summer in the backyard with family, our car cruising down the coast, a sea of people at Golden Gate Park…

Places:

So much gratitude to live on such a beautiful planet and to have the means to see it even in a year that did not always feel easy.

Union Square at sunrise was not something I ever saw as a child.

San Francisco at sunrise

More gorgeous coast before snorkeling.

Magical Kauai

Goodbye sun.

Oregon Coast sunset

Mom’s Mt. Shasta

People:

More than anything else, I am grateful for the people in my life, friends, family, near and far… Oh yeah, and my dog too, he counts, right?

No greater gratitude than for the people in my life.

No greater gratitude than for the people in my life.

Health:

And, not to be forgotten, this was the year I discovered my own power in healing. So thankful.

Inspiration

Yoga, meditation… healing.

Other bloggers:

Even though I started blogging in 2011, my move to WordPress cemented my commitment to putting my words out there and becoming part of a greater community. I am truly grateful for all the connections I have made this year– words of wisdom from every corner of the globe, thank YOU!

So, your turn, what tops your 2012 Gratitude List?

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Week 18: Gingerbread & Rainbows

I did not expect the world to end today. However, it did feel different this morning. The sunrise was spectacular. A full rainbow danced across the sky. Happy laughter floated through the halls, a sweet friend and coworker newly engaged. Kids with sticky fingers and smiles as they constructed gingerbread houses. So much excited energy for winter break.

I was presented with a lesson today. Sometimes we need to embrace things as they are instead of fighting for control. I forget this when I teach sometimes, expecting students to act a certain way instead of gently guiding them in a mutually agreeable direction. I’m learning.

12/21/12 will go down as a good day in my book. Struggles, messes, laughter, and beautiful skies.

“Please Mrs. M, can’t you stay just ten minutes longer?”

Those after school words mattered most of all.

Rainbow

Sunrise

Gingerbread

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