Category Archives: Family

Oct 25 2012
14 Comments
Family, Home, Life, Teaching, Writing

Thankfulness Thursday: Who do you choose to be?

Part of whatever it is that is happening right now is that I’m learning to be me. We live in an age of extended adolescence. In my case, adulthood is starting at age 29. And, I don’t mean this in a time to buy a minivan kind of way, (no offense to the lovely twenty-something minivan drivers in my life). Instead, I mean this as I’m finally starting to figure out who the heck I am.

I’m a teacher, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a writer, an occasional traveler. I’m each of these things because I choose to be, not because I think I should or always will be, (although I hope to be most of these things all my life). I am incredibly grateful to be in the exact place I am right now, even though it is hard and even though I want some things to change. I think that’s the big difference. I used to fight life, to fight all the parts that were hard or not perfect.

Now I see it as part of a general movement in the right direction. I look back five years, things are better despite the bumps along the way. I am optimistic the same trend will continue with faith and a lot of hard work. I’ve got the hard work part down, so really it’s just a matter of maintaining a positive outlook and enjoying the journey, bumps and all.

So, what does it mean to be me today?

It means I write what vibrates in my bones, popular or not. It means mermaids for NaNoWriMo, even if practically every agent on the planet currently claims to hate mermaids. It means yoga in my living room and a make-shift altar on my coffee table. It means Sunday night dinners with my family, coffee dates in sundresses with my best friends, Wednesday nights in my pajamas watching TV with my husband. It means teaching in a way that leaves my heart aching.

I am part hippie, part hipster, part bohemian, part yuppie, part vegetarian-in-training.

As silly as it sounds, today I’m grateful to be me because it took me a very long time to get what that means, even if who I am is still an evolving mess of ideals and dreams. Maybe I’ll always be this way, but that’s alright, I’m starting to get that the labels and the knowing and the destinations aren’t the point.

***

Link up for Thankfulness Thursday @ Domestic Fashionista.

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Oct 19 2012
13 Comments
Family, Life

Life is short.

Yesterday I arrived home from work and sat in the car, letting the NPR story finish, attention caught by a piece about apartment rents in San Francisco. The economic analyst in me still lives beneath the surface. That and I often sit in the car to let a story finish.

This time, however, I looked up to see Alex coming to my window. Odd, I thought. Maybe he is wondering why I am still sitting here, alone in my car.

Then I saw his face and I knew something was wrong. My thoughts raced, he didn’t want to talk until we got inside. I couldn’t wait.

“Is someone dead?” I asked, a bit panicked.

“Yes.”

Before I even had time to ask who, he told me. A friend’s wife. Her heart stopped without explanation as she sat in the car in front of her house before she came in from work. Unexpected. Tragic. Heart breaking.

Now before you offer your condolences, please know, they are misdirected at me. I am deeply saddened by our friend’s loss, but I only knew her from weddings, brief interactions. For me, the sadness is in knowing how devastated Alex’s long-time friend must feel. This is the guy who was a big brother to Alex, let us borrow his super-fast Mustang to drive to prom, helped me learn to work on my own 5.0 Mustang a year or so later.

I cannot even begin to imagine what he must be feeling right now. How deep his grief must be. She also had a son.

Life is so unpredictable, so fleeting. Since Alex shared the news with me, I have been haunted by this quiet whisper of nothing lasts forever, nothing is certain. For Alex the haunting is something more jarring. It changed the way he looks at me. His eyes clinging to the present. His friend’s forlorn words on the other side of the phone still fresh in his mind.

There have been other losses in our relationship, but this is the only one that has ever made him look at me differently. That alone has followed me around all day, tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me. Life is short.

Tonight I just want to remind you to hold those close to you a little tighter and tell them you love them. That’s my plan.

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Oct 11 2012
8 Comments
Family, Life, Travel

Thankfulness Thursday: Unconditional Love

Autumn sunbeams and floating spider webs above a crystal clear alpine lake,

Warmth and family.

Mom, brother, and one dirty, happy dog.

Driving north on 1-5 Tuesday morning, alone, save for Simon buckled up in the backseat, tears streamed down my face. Headed to visit my mom, who lives three and a half hours away, four words rang true in my head:

I need my mom.

I rarely think those words. I love my mom, yes, but at 29, I rarely think I need her. Realizing these words are still true, I was overtaken by emotion. I need my mom. Words so true tears had to follow.

Separated by time and space, I often forget I need her. We talk less than we should, weekly phone calls stretching into 10 days, 11, 12, sometimes 14. We see each other maybe four times a year. Important visits, but I forget I still need her.

I need that woman who cuts fresh flowers each time I visit, bakes me pies and rubs my head. The woman who plays Scrabble with me and still offers to brush my hair. The very woman who used to call me her baby and carry me around in her arms. Driving alone, I realized I need my mom.

Today I am thankful for a few days in Mt. Shasta, the sun still warm, my mom, my brother, and my dog. Sitting around playing games late into the night. My brother showing me his project with the earth, the cob home he is building, the greenhouse with its foundation, the desk and pile of books alone in the woods. Reminding me of the meaning of unconditional love.

Driving south on I-5 today, rain dotting my dusty windshield, soulful music playing loudly, instead of crying, I smiled and sang at the top of my lungs. Time well spent, reinvigorated, alive. I am thankful for family, our roots strong and connected like trees, unconditional.

***

Join in for Thankfulness Thursday and link up your post with Ashley at Domestic Fashionista!

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Oct 11 2012
2 Comments
Family, Travel

Just wanted to share the love with the announcement of a very cool new blog authored by one of the most amazing people I have yet to meet! Hope you’ll check out the Saul family’s big adventure…

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Oct 09 2012
6 Comments
Family, Teaching

Get Excited About A Wrinkle in Time!

The nerdy little girl in me got really excited when I saw that A Wrinkle in Time was re-released as a graphic novel. As I enjoyed the story again, I realized time was folding back on itself as the child me and the adult me merged across two decades. Then, my copy was already old and worn, enticing me with the allure of a well-read classic. Now, my copy is alive with the illustrations of a new generation:

The cover alone is likely to attract more readers than the old tattered version in my classroom library.

The book is full of so many little truths I never properly absorbed as a child.

I also love that the book tells kids that different doesn’t mean dumb.

And, most of all, I love that the book acknowledges the childhood desire to blend in as well as the journey toward self-acceptance.

Not only did this lovely adaptation reconnect me with my inner nerdy little girl, but it also revealed an adult parable about the darkness in our world and the importance of love. I am excited to add this book to my classroom library, certain my students will also enjoy the illustrations, the allusions to the very math they’re learning, (converting fractions to decimals…), and the rare instance of a math genius girl as the hero who saves herself, her family, the world.

While it took me a bit to adjust to reading a graphic novel, (I didn’t realize how different parts of your brain are required to balance picture and word information simultaneously), I really loved rediscovering this classic story with an adult perspective. If you have a young person in your life who would appreciate a story about being both different and wonderful, I highly recommend ordering this book, (and allowing your grown-up self to enjoy it first!).

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Oct 06 2012
6 Comments
Family, Travel

Fall Break Escape: Visiting Our Old Life

Three years ago, Alex and I moved from Berkeley to Sacramento, an hour and a half away. While we were happy to trade in our tiny one-bedroom apartment for a little more space and a lot more time with family, we also gave up things we really loved about living in the San Francisco Bay Area: close friends, amazing restaurants, a wide range of weekly events, walkable urbanism, proximity to the ocean…

Every break I have from school, we venture back for a couple days to reconnect with our old lives:

Friday night we stayed in San Rafael, following a leisurely drive through Wine Country. As soon as we reached our hotel, I begged Alex to jump in the car to make the trek 25 minutes further so we could watch the sunset over Muir Beach. What I didn’t realize was that the beach is angled away from the setting sun, so instead we enjoyed the dimming light, remembering how often we used to come and sit in the same spot when we lived in Berkeley. It was our spot to imagine the future. I guess it still is.

This time my imagination of the future included a need to own the teal house overlooking the beach… Alex quickly pointed out that we could paint any house on the beach teal, but that seems beside the point.

Woke up ready to cross the Golden Gate and head into the City for brunch and the Bluegrass Festival. No matter how many times I cross this bridge, it’s always magical.

A little SF mural flair, Guernica style.

Delicious brunch at Zazie’s with friends. Made us feel like locals, like maybe we were home again.

A very grown-up game of Go Fish while we waited for the Lumineers at Hardly, Strictly Bluegrass in Golden Gate Park– a completely free music festival, (and just one more reason I love San Francisco).

Lucky hand of Go Fish!

Doing a frightening job protecting our precious piece of real estate as the crowd rolled in for the Lumineers– Golden Gate Park was packed but beautiful in the sunshine!

And, what we waited for– one of my favorite bands, the Lumineers. Sitting on Alex’s shoulders, listening to lyrics about love and family, I felt momentarily at home in a sea of people.

Ironically, as much as we love to visit the Bay, I am not sure it will ever be where we call home again. Odd, right– to love a place so much and not want to live there? I still need something a little quieter, a little more laid back… Somewhere I can imagine raising my own family. Thanks Lumineers for searing that word family into my head tonight. I leave you with some crudely shot footage that makes me smile. Life captured briefly, imperfectly, but still beautiful. So show me family…

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Oct 05 2012
5 Comments
Family, Health, Life

Advice to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self/Sister

I’m happy to say my sister probably needs this advice far less than I did at her age, but because she is my closest link to my sixteen-year-old self, and I love her so, she will have to humor me through this…

I started this post earlier this week, inspired by Cheryl Strayed’s advice to her younger self at the end of Dear Sugar and my own desire to say something meaningful to my younger sister about surviving high school. It was intended to be my way of traveling back in time to fix all the perceived wrongs I witnessed and/or participated in as a sixteen-year-old girl.

However, after the list sat unpublished overnight, I decided it was more angry than inspiring, an outdated wish for more confidence and regret over things that could not be changed. See, as much as I wish I would have stood up for myself and others more, maybe it was the not standing up that needed to happen first. To be on the victimized side of rumors, to watch mentally challenged and effeminate students be taunted, to forego relationships because my friends did not approve, to ignore chauvinist boys who pushed too much or called me horrible names, was all part of my becoming.

Sure it would have been nice if I became confident and outspoken sooner, but maybe I needed to know what it felt like to not be those things first so that I could relate to my quiet students and collect more pieces of life and knowledge of myself. Going back and standing up would have felt good, but it was not realistic to who I was at sixteen. That was me and it’s alright. Forgiving myself for not being stronger is actually the bigger piece of advice than any list of all the things I wish I did. It’s okay to be sixteen, quiet, not sure, and sometimes disillusioned.

An afternoon coffee visit with an old friend from middle school made me realize that it was not just my high school experience that felt a little angry– it was hers too, at the very school I thought would make me happier. While this should come as no surprise, because half the people I know felt this way about their own high school experiences, it was somehow humbling to realize I might have been pretty much the same girl under any circumstances. Just part of the territory of growing up.

So, dear sister and sixteen year-old me, that’s my message. Instead of a long list of sixteen different pieces of advice, I leave you with one idea. It’s okay to be imperfect, emotional, sometimes angry, sometimes disillusioned, and not always possessing the confidence we know is inside us. That will come, just keep being you and hold on to all the happy moments, because there will be plenty.

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Oct 04 2012
21 Comments
Family, Life, Teaching, Writing

Thankfulness Thursday: BE BRAVE.

Today is the second installment of Thankfulness Thursday. This week’s theme, be brave.

1. Eight happy little query letters left my computer today as I fought back some serious stage fright. It took courage to press send each time, but I did it! I’m sending them out in batches of eight because eight is my lucky number… 8/8/83, born. 8/8/08, engaged… Big sigh of grateful relief that I got this far.

2. Speaking of engaged, yesterday was my three year wedding anniversary. Today I’m grateful to all the incredible people who made it the happiest day of my life. My family, Alex, and my friends, THANK YOU! It’s funny to admit, I actually had to push myself to be brave to let this day happen. My inclination was to run away and get married with a tiny audience, but I’m so glad we didn’t. I realized in the process that involving others wasn’t about putting on a show, but instead about creating a community of love and support from the people with which we’re grateful to share our lives. Incredibly and humbly thankful for this day and everyone we love.

Three years ago!

Three years later! (Still smiling!)

A big thank you to my glorious family.

And to our glorious friends!

3. One of the bravest people I have ever met is 10. This week, she brought in the Black Eyed Peas track “Where is the Love?” Before playing it for us, she gave the class a little speech about how she chose it because she felt her classmates needed to reflect on how they treat one another at school. She then demanded that students sing along with her and would not stand for any laughter or horseplay. She is my hero this week. I wish I could tell you her whole life story. If you’re anything like me, you’d cry with amazement.

4. Sometimes I try things when I teach that require me to be brave, like taking 30 fifth graders outside to attempt a human model of our solar system. Watching the students laugh as they unsuccessfully tried to orbit the student in the middle (playing the sun) reminded me why I teach. So thankful for that happy little reminder. We’ll try again when it’s not 100 degrees outside…

Studying the planets and creating our own maps of the solar system has been a highlight of our fifth grade year so far.

There you have it. Four things for which I am grateful on this fourth day of October. Thanks again to the lovely Ashley over at Domestic Fashionista for the inspiration and graphic! Wishing you a brave and thankful Thursday.

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Sep 02 2012
5 Comments
Family, Home, Life

Weddings: Korean Pop & Fleeting Moments

Yesterday was wedding day. Not mine, but a good friend of Alex’s got married, and I also attended the bridal shower of a friend in the morning. I was honestly a little nervous to attend both because I can be shy when I don’t know people, and in this case I only knew the bride at the bridal shower and the groom (through Alex) at the wedding. However, I’m beginning to think the shy Olivia is mostly gone.

The lovely bride-to-be on our brunch cruise

The bridal shower was great– I bonded with the bride’s sister-in-law-to-be and one of the bride’s good friends from San Francisco. We’re already in cahoots to plan a bachelorette party complete with choreographed dance moves from my current obsession, “Gangham Style.” I tried reposting this video once before, (and it’s gone super viral since then), so you may have already seen it, but I’ve taught myself the ridiculous horseback riding move. Cracks me up every time.

This video was actually a source of bonding at both events. At the wedding, I was strategically seated next to a librarian, which was good thinking. Turns out a librarian and a fifth grade teacher are automatically friends. Then you add in a little “Gangham Style” and it’s a party.

Yesterday was a really good reminder that sometimes the things we dread, like social situations where we don’t know many people, can actually turn out to be a lot of fun. I, for one, need to give myself more credit instead of assuming I’ll feel uncomfortable. The other reason yesterday was great was because it reminded me why I like weddings so much.

I know people complain about extravagance and silly customs, but I think weddings and all the parties that come before are wonderful. We live lives that go by so quickly, filled with so many every day moments that are incredibly meaningful when stacked together. Weddings give the appropriate time to pause and reflect on what all this means.

Even though I did not know the bride or groom very well, I was touched. Listening to their stories, the speeches given by the most important people in their lives, I thought of the most important people in mine. I love the symbolic act of coming together as a community in honor of love and family, even if in many ways it’s just a fleeting moment, like everything else.

Photo booths are my favorite wedding craze at the moment. One of Alex and my first dates was to the state fair as teenagers where we took pictures in a photo booth. Laying these pictures side by side shows 12 years captured. Man life goes fast.

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Sep 01 2012
8 Comments
Family, Life, Teaching, Writing

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

How often do you actually stop to look at yourself in the mirror?  I mean, really look at yourself?  Of course, I’m being rhetorical here, I’m not begging you to respond with an exact answer, I just realize that most of the time when I look in the mirror, I look past myself, checking just the details to make sure I’m presentable to the outside world.  I look without seeing myself, if that makes any sense.

Once in a great while, I actually stop and look myself in the eyes and have this weird moment of connection where I think, I’m that girl, the one with the long brown hair, the one who goes to school to teach children, the one that’s married to Alex and loves to write and travel.  I get that we are so much more than who we are on the outside, but sometimes, making that connection to our physical self grounds us in the reality that we’re here, living life, present.

I was just working on my book and this memory of looking in the mirror and seeing the future came back to me.  At the time, I was an economic analyst in Berkeley, but I knew I wanted to escape. Each morning I walked to work past an elementary school and I wished I was walking there instead of to my cube.  Sometimes, I would look in the long mirror in my office bathroom, and I would see a teacher staring back at me.  That probably sounds odd, but truly, I would look at myself and think, that girl is a teacher, not a cube dweller.

Reflecting on this now, I cannot help but wonder whether truly looking in the mirror is a more powerful tool of self-discovery than we realize.  I know it’s a commonly used phrase to take a long-hard look in the mirror, but I’m beginning to think it has some actual meaning.  Today, I still see a teacher staring back at me.  But, she’s also a writer, a traveler, and a much more alive human being.

As much as Photo Booth can make you feel like a teenager making duck faces for Facebook, it also provides that mirror snapshot. The chance to capture yourself and ask who you see.  I asked myself these same questions the other night after work, laughing into Photo Booth while my husband gave me funny looks from across the couch.  It was one of those rare moments I actually stopped to look at myself and I saw a tired, but happy teacher staring back at me.  When is the last time you stopped and really looked?

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Aug 31 2012
6 Comments
Dogs, Family, Health, Home, Life, Pets

The Skunk Saga, Part III

Last night, as I was making dinner, Alex took our dog for a walk.  When he returned, he announced a skunk sighting next door. This skunk was no baby skunk like the neighbors on the other side spotted.  This was a full-grown, Simon-sized doozy, (at least that is how Alex described it, I’m still skeptical this is possible).

That should have been our warning.  Not to mention the neighbor telling us that once a week or so he sees a skunk walk up the street, through his driveway, and over to the side of our fence.  Like I said, should have.

Fast forward to 1AM.  I’m blissfully asleep, Alex is still awake, a typical Thursday night.

“Babe?”

“Huh?”

“Simon got sprayed again.”

“Shit.”

So, it happened again.  The sneaky monkey realized we only stop him from going outside when he barks first.  He used to bark before he slipped out the door to chase something.  Now he moves like a quiet little ninja.  I’m not going to cause any trouble, just headed out to relieve myself, that’s all, I promise, see, I’m not barking!

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  We need to block the dog door at night.  But, here’s the thing, our cat likes to take the cap off for him pretty much as soon as we put it on.  She’ll just walk by, dismantle it with her freakishly nimble paws and return to whatever it was she was doing inside, not even bothering to go outside.  Alex’s weekend project is a lockable pet door.

Anyway, good thing we finally bought the big bottle of skunk shampoo this week to get rid of his lingering odor from last time, (one dip in the family pool last Sunday and he was back to his stinky self). Forget all that other natural stuff.  Buy the skunk shampoo and use it if you ever need it.  I take back any other advice I gave in previous posts.  Coconut oil will still mask it between baths, but this is the best for diffusing the smell.

Duh. Skunk shampoo. Why in the world did we think all the other crap on the internet would be more effective?

Back to my story.  It’s 1AM, I have 5 hours of sleep left, a tiring week, and here I am, wondering why Alex woke me up to tell me Simon got sprayed by a skunk.  Maybe I’m not the nicest person when awakened in the middle of the night.  You were already awake, great, here is what you need to do: grab gloves, a mask, a towel, remove the carpets from the bathroom, wash him, leave him in there. Have fun!

This time I was not getting my hands dirty.  Already did that.  Too bad I woke up feeling a little mean.  Sorry, Alex, you’re amazing, thanks for taking care of that ridiculously nauseating business (mostly) on your own.

Still, I can’t help but feel proud we now know how to quickly and effectively handle the middle-of-the-night skunk fire drill.  The fallout was much less devastating this time, although our house smells a bit again and he’ll need another bath this weekend. Here’s hoping lightning, or skunks, don’t strike thrice.

This time around he looks, dare I say, comfortable in his post-skunk state. Thanks skunk shampoo…

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Aug 30 2012
9 Comments
Family, Life, Teaching

Love is Truth

There is this one little girl in my class who writes me notes and draws me pictures almost daily. Last week, she drew a picture of me, Mr. M., and our son. I am neither pregnant nor have I ever indicated any desire for children to my students. Still, she drew our son and labeled him, your son, the king. I walked away thinking, does she know something I don’t?

Today’s picture left me equally unsettled. It was a picture of me with the words Love is Truth printed across my body.  Randomly deep words that clung to me for the rest of the day. Up until last week, her drawings never had these messages. They were always of the simpler You’re-the-best-teacher-ever variety. Now they’re cryptic, little fortunes hidden in brightly colored scenery.

Chances are, these words are just an expression of her affection. But to me, they’re oddly wise and prophetic. Love is truth. When I first read this, I smiled, caught off guard by her wisdom. Sometimes, in the middle of everything, distracted by the bustle of a thousand little unimportant things, unexpectedly deep words carry more weight.

Thank you, child. Love is truth, I agree. And, if I have a son first, I’ll think you’re able to see things I cannot.  Or, then again, maybe you have just been paying more attention than usual at Sunday school and are confusing me for the Virgin Mary.  Either way, your messages give me something to think about.

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