Author Archives: olivia

Feb 22 2012
1 Comment
Writing

Blog Advice… Blogvice?

I’m reading a pretty cool book, The Essential Guide to Getting Your Book Published.  When I first heard the title from another aspiring author, I thought that it sounded useful, but bland, the last stop on my journey to finishing my book.  Instead, I’ve discovered it to be much more entertaining than I expected.  And, in exchange for purchasing the book, I now have a twenty minute “consultation” with its authors, the Book Doctors.

You would think that I would be all over this opportunity, but instead I had to talk myself into actually submitting the request.  The voice in my head kept saying, “It’s too early,” “You’re not ready to talk to anyone about your book,” “Is your book even good?” Even in a situation that has very little potential of yielding anything, I find myself afraid of failure, which is why I sucked it up, and made the appointment.  Kind of the story of my life.  Anxiety.  Suck it up and do it anyway.

One of my takeaways so far from their book is that I need to develop some sort of web presence for myself, somewhere to hang my writing hat, so to speak.  So far, my blog has just been a place where I muse about anything and everything, (happiness, travel, writing, teaching…), but they recommend limiting blog subjects to attract and maintain an audience.  I can see what they’re saying, but I also have a hard time devoting myself to just one theme… I love having a space that I can write about anything, audience or not.  And, no, a journal would not serve the same purpose!

What do you think?  You read my blog.  Would you rather I picked one theme and stuck with it?  I know that it’s a bit of a biased sampling since you’re undoubtedly reading this because you actually know me, but I am still curious of your thoughts.  Better if I only wrote about writing, traveling, teaching, or happiness?  Or, keep this blog and start another one that only has one focus for the goal of establishing myself as a writer?

***

On a random side note, and further underlining my inability to focus on just one idea, check out this movie trailer.  I found it extremely thought-provoking about the still-present need for feminism in our society.  Watch for the Fox News guy that says that women should not be president because of PMS.  He should be forced to live on an island without any women!:


Miss Representation 8 min. Trailer 8/23/11 from Miss Representation on Vimeo.

Tagged ,
Feb 20 2012
Leave a comment
Life, Teaching

Advocacy, Humility & Gratitude

It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised, and animated by scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant, wake into life… 
– Abigail Adams

I read this quote on a friend’s Facebook page recently, and it touched me deeply.  It made me think about how greatness does not come out of avoiding difficulty, even though it can be very tempting to do so.  

When I first realized that I wanted to be a teacher, I found myself inventing reasons not to follow my heart.  Mostly, I was afraid of failure.  I was afraid that it would be too hard and that I would not live up to my own expectations.  It was far more comfortable to avoid failure altogether than to face it head on.  Then, somehow, I found myself doing it anyway, and I was right– it was really hard and there were many days that I failed. But, in allowing myself to fail, I also gave myself space to grow.

In becoming a teacher, I have also become an advocate for children. Some of these children come to school hungry, cold, and in need of a lot of love.  Many of these children lack the life experiences that I treasured growing up.  Accordingly, in a strange way, they have become my children, who I love, guide, and struggle with everyday.  In taking on this role, I have accepted the humility that comes with asking others to help them, and this in turn has opened my eyes to the great generosity of people all around me, creating a humbling gratitude inside of me.

A few months ago, I shared how painful it was to watch students come to school without jackets.  It made me remember the times as a child when I forgot my jacket and felt cold.  The idea that these kids weren’t forgetting jackets, but instead did not have them, broke my heart.  Nonetheless, I was amazed by how many people reached out to me after I shared this experience.  My dad even marched into my classroom the very next morning with a jacket for a student that I told him about!

A dear old friend from college, who has always had an amazingly full heart, also reached out to me.  Without being asked, she organized a fundraiser among the employees in her office, and raised enough money to buy nearly two dozen jackets for the students that were still coming to school cold.  These jackets were delivered to my house this weekend and I could not believe how beautiful they were.  The fact that strangers in another city were willing to reach into their own pockets to help the students at my school was deeply humbling.  My gratitude is immense.

The willingness of people to help without even being asked has inspired me.  It has shown me that when presented with a need, many people want to help.  This is turn has inspired me to begin asking people for help, an act that does not come easily for me.  Recently, another teacher and I set up an online fundraising site to ask friends and family to help us take our students to the Exploratorium in San Francisco.  To our amazement, we have already raised more than $600!   

Between the jackets and the field trip money, this week has inspired me to keep moving forward, even when things feel difficult.  I am deeply touched by all of the people that care enough about our students to keep them warm and give them new life experiences.  Thank you to everyone that is teaching me humility, giving me reasons for great gratitude, and helping to change the lives of students at my school!

Gigantic bags of beautiful jackets for students at my school!

Thank you, thank you, thank you Old Navy donators!


Tagged , , , ,
Feb 17 2012
Leave a comment
Life

Life ADHD

I have a serious case of life ADHD right now.

I go to work, get sucked in to all kinds of wacky side projects that have nothing to do with getting me out the door at the end of the day, (Randomly inviting published author to speak in my classroom, sure, why not? Less posters on my walls, great idea Mr. Firemen, let me get started right now!).  I get home, think about taking the dog on a walk, end up preparing for tomorrow’s smoothie recipe lesson in the kitchen, decide that I should read my new book on how to get published, but then end up on the laptop writing a blog entry while lamenting the fact that I’m neither cleaning my house nor getting any exercise, (while also simultaneously fielding phone calls and responding to emails…).  Then it occurs to me that I still need to book a room in Carmel over spring break and I have the urge to abandon the blog entirely and waste two hours rereading trip advisor reviews and trying to remember which of the hotels are dog friendly.

Truthfully, I do not expect anyone to have survived that paragraph.  I’m not even sure that I want to reread it!  The point is, I run around all day, torn between a thousand things that I actually WANT to do, never able to get through it all. I know I’m not alone.  We all feel this way on some level or another.  What I do not understand is how people have children and still manage to conquer anything on the list.  And, no, I’m not contemplating having them right this minute, don’t get too excited (or annoyed, depending on who you are!), but it is something that crosses my mind when I imagine what I would give up.  I guess that the love mechanism just takes over to the point that you do not mind giving something up?  (Or, I hope it does!)

Anyway, this post has little real substance, just felt like lamenting the fact that I do not have more time by wasting time writing this.  Irony in action.  I have to remind myself:  It does not matter how slow you go, as long as you do not stop.  In other words, it can all get done, just not as fast as we would like it to…

Source: google.com.au via Kay on Pinterest

Back to my ADHD, thinking about staying in Doris Day’s famously dog-friendly hotel in Carmel, but can’t get them to answer an email, (heaven-forbid I pick up a phone and call them!).

Tagged
Feb 15 2012
1 Comment
Home, Life, Teaching

Valentine’s Day Confession

It’s official, I’m out of the closet, I love Valentine’s Day!

I used to force myself not to like it.  I reasoned that it made people that I love feel lonely, so I wanted to support them by not liking it.  I also scoffed at how arbitrary the date was– complaining how it was a capitalistic excuse for more materialism.  Last year, I went so far as to tell Alex that I did not want presents and that I did not care if he had the closing shift at work, (I thought that I was being generous to his coworkers that actually wanted the time to celebrate!).

Today, however, I realized that I do like Valentine’s Day, even if there are aspects of it that still annoy me, (like all of the horny men wandering around looking for flowers at the grocery store!).  Despite the annoyances, it no longer bothers me that it is a day that we made up.  So what– aren’t all holidays days that we made up on some level or another?  Maybe this one is more recent, but I do not see anything wrong with a day based on love.  After all, isn’t love critical to our happiness as human beings?

I’m not saying romantic love… Although, that kind of love is nice too.  I’m just saying love.  As an adult, I’m finding that Valentine’s Day is a day that I tell my friends, students, and family that I love them.  I don’t tell them with expensive gifts, but with little gestures: a cut out heart with kind words, a card, a text, a phone call.  In fact, it turns out that Valentine’s Day results in the greatest outpouring of token gifts and sweet little cards from my students of any holiday.  I have a veritable mountain of candy and cards that make me feel appreciated!  What’s so wrong with expressing our love this way?

In truth, I witnessed many little acts of love that made me happy to be alive today:  A coworker’s husband marching across campus with a gigantic bouquet of roses, (to the sheer excitement of the 120 students watching at recess!).  A student excited to deliver her one special hand-crafted valentine to a boy that she likes, (reminded me of the valentine that Alex made me in fourth grade!).  My students treasuring the little valentines that I made them.  My dad unexpectedly delivering a valentine to my school, complete with a generous donation for our upcoming field trip.  Incredibly kind words of support emailed from my mom.  A woman taking the time to pull into the grocery store parking lot just to cuss me out for changing lanes at the same time as she did, (okay, that happened, and it made me laugh, but maybe it doesn’t belong on this list!).

Even though I’m looking forward to seeing my husband tonight, it has been the acts of love from other people that have brightened my day so far.  I’m sure he’ll make me smile too, when he gets home from work, but I’m realizing that Valentine’s Day is far more than a romantic holiday based on excessive consumerism.  It’s a chance to tell people that they matter to you.  If you’re feeling sad or lonely tonight, you’re entitled to dislike this holiday, I don’t blame you, but also consider reaching out to the people that you love.  It will make them smile, and chances are, it will make you smile too!

The valentines that I made for my students.  It is amazing how a few kind words so clearly brighten their day!

Simon going nuts on one of my gifts from a student… oops!

You’ll be happy to know that the bear survived!  Happy Valentine’s Day!
Tagged , , , ,
Feb 14 2012
2 Comments
Life, Teaching

We’re really going to San Francisco?!

Today one of my toughest students had a revelation during the middle of his parent teacher conference.  We have been planning a field trip to the Exploratorium in San Francisco for a few weeks, but the news finally hit him.  “We’re really going to San Francisco?” he asked me over and over.  He was incredulous.  It was as though I told him that we were going to get on a bus and go to Disneyland.  “Are we going to come back?” he asked, after a couple of minutes of contemplation, hoping perhaps that we were either going to stay there forever or more plausibly rent a hotel room.

Listening to this student reminded me of how fortunate I was growing up.  Even when times were tough for my family, we still went to San Francisco.  It’s actually one of my family’s favorite stories, how even during the hard years, we still made our annual Christmas pilgrimage to “shop” in the city.  Of course, there was not a lot of shopping those years.  My dad would take us every year at Christmas, while my mom would take us in the summer for the joys of tourist destinations like Angel Island, Alcatraz, and Golden Gate Park.  The idea that other children did not get to go to San Francisco was foreign to me– how could you not go somewhere so cool that was only a couple of hours away?

At another parent conference this afternoon, a mom that is struggling to make ends meet because of her severe illness shared how her son and daughter have been visiting homeless people along the American River as part of a project at their church.  It is also her son’s fifth grade service project.  The kids have been praying with the homeless and collecting useful items to give to them every Friday evening.  The mother shared with me how this experience has changed her family.  She said that no matter how tough things have been for them with her illness, they still cannot help but feel immense gratitude meeting the people that live on the river in Sacramento– at least she and her family do not live outside, she added with extreme sincerity.  I felt so humbled by how genuine she was with her words.

No matter how hard my job is, it never fails to humble me.  I feel so inspired by the people that I meet.  Many of them are full of so much hope and giving despite the extreme challenges that they face.  The family of the student that was in awe of getting to go to San Francisco offered to help pay for another student to get to go too.  They do not have a lot of money, but when they heard that we needed help finding $3,000 to get everyone there, they wanted to do what they could to give more students the experience that their child is so excited about.  This was especially touching after hearing the mom who is struggling financially and physically but so generous with her heart.  She has two students in fourth and fifth grade, which will likely mean $30 total, an amount that would create a financial burden for them.  I’m so touched that in this world that feels so cold and unfriendly at times, that people still care about each other.

I was talking to my husband about all of this tonight and he shared with me his first memory of San Francisco.  Like my students, he first visited San Francisco as a fifth grader taking a field trip to the Exploratorium.  He said that he never forgot what it was like looking at the city while crossing the Bay Bridge for the first time.

I’m excited that my students will soon have this moment too.

Tagged , ,
Feb 11 2012
Leave a comment
Writing

Better?

As I wrote my book, I was pleased that the words poured out so easily.  Now, I feel frustrated that I cannot sum my book up into 200 words that I like!  It kind of reminds me of writing a personal statement for college.  I found that painstakingly difficult too.

Here is my most-current 200 word pitch.  As before, suggestions appreciated!

It began as just a drop.  One smooth drop of red blood running down her pale thigh.  She felt the moisture with her fingers and looked down to see the bright crimson stain emerging on the back edge of her linen skirt.  She felt an immediate wave of horror followed by, to her shock, relief.  

Losing the baby was symbolic of something greater, of letting go of a flailing dream of happiness, a jolt back to reality that something needed to change.  Instead of allowing their discontent to fester, Kristen and Jake decide to say “Fuck it all” to their meaningless jobs and sell their house to embark on individual journeys of self-discovery.  Both aware of the ambiguity of this mission, as well as the risks to their marriage, the late twenty-somethings find themselves experiencing parallel adventures.  While Jake heads off on a road trip across the country, Kristen departs for Europe, secretly intent on visiting an old flame.  Certain that there must be something better, they forsake the predictable for the unknown, escaping on journeys that may or may not bring them back together.
Tagged , , ,
Feb 09 2012
Leave a comment
Writing

200 Words to Sell Myself!

Oh how I love Nanowrimo… It really has changed my life, pushing me to write copiously and quickly. Today it pushed me into action with its newest challenge: pitch your book in 200 words or less. February is Pitchapolooza month and the winner gets hooked up with an intro to an agent. Now, I realize that my chances of “winning” are slim, but pitching needs to happen regardless, so this afternoon I set to work putting my book into 200 words.
I found this pretty tricky. I don’t know how much to reveal and how much to keep as vague hints about the contents of my book. The pitch that I ended up with below errs more on the vague side and I am curious of opinions. Better to give more actual details? Did I put you to sleep with not enough action and too many esoteric thoughts? Online advice was pretty slim and ranged across the board in suggestions, so I turn to you instead, my sweet little online audience. I welcome any thoughts, emailed, texted, commented, whatever. I’m not fishing for compliments, so real thoughts expressed kindly, please! Writing a pitch feels harder than writing a book! Help!

CAUTION: Before you read the revelation of my book soul, please know that the characters and experiences therein are fictional!

Attempt Numero Uno at a Pitch (And, a transforming work in progress!):
Six Weeks

At first it began as just a drop. One smooth drop of red blood running down her pale thigh. She felt the moisture with her fingers and looked down to see the bright crimson stain emerging on the back edge of her linen skirt. She felt an immediate wave of horror followed by, to her shock, relief.  

Losing the baby was symbolic of something greater, of letting go of a flailing dream of happiness, a jolt back to reality that something needed to change. Instead of allowing their discontent to fester, Kristen and Jake decide to say “Fuck it all” to their meaningless jobs and sell their house to embark on individual journeys of self-discovery. Both aware of the ambiguity of this mission, as well as the risks to their marriage, the late twenty-somethings find themselves in Europe, experiencing parallel adventures that may or may not bring them back together. Intent that there must be something better, they forsake the predictable for the unknown, trusting in themselves to manifest their own destinies on the other side of the world.
***

For some reason, that still feels off to me. Like maybe I need to give more actual pieces of what happens in the book? Or, better yet, maybe I should re-read it when I have not just spent ten hours at school!
Welcome to my brain.
Tagged , , , ,
Feb 01 2012
Leave a comment
Life

It is good.

I know that I said that I was done with my book.  That may have been an exaggeration, or better put, a partial truth.  It’s more like I am done with the story.  However, in my fiery haste to write 50,000 words in two months, I left a lot to be polished and expanded.  Now, Tuesday nights are my night to write, my time alone, inside my head.

Tonight’s polishing stretched me to 53,000 words.  That’s about 212 book pages…  When all is said and done, I expect to have more like 60,000 words, or 240 pages, which is still on the shorter side for most published novels.  I just wish that I had the time to sit and focus and get it done.  Going back is fun, layers are emerging, new chapters are appearing between old ones.  Spring break can’t come fast enough.

Despite my restlessness, my theme for life this week is, “It is good.”  Anything that I find myself complaining about, I am following up with “It is good.”  For example, as much as I cannot wait for spring break to write with more abandon, I know that it is good that somehow I’m still finding a way to write in spite of my busy life.  It is good that I’m passionate enough about it to still make it happen.  It is actually kind of magical when I think about it.  My book has grown out of seemingly nowhere.  It is good to have something that energizes me to come home after a long day at work.  It is good.

I’m finding that this phrase applies to anything.  It is good that teaching is challenging, hard, makes me want to scream, cry, kick, laugh.  I am becoming tougher and more capable.  It is good that plans change and schedules are not always kept.  I am becoming more flexible and more appreciative of the people around me in the moment…

All things seemingly bad or challenging have their silver linings.  They make us tougher, smarter, braver.  They push us to grow.  They force us to make changes and move forward.  Granted, I know that not all challenging things seem this way, I just pray that I have the strength to make them all this way, to be conscious enough to find the good in everything, even the really hard things.

It is good.  Life is good.

I leave you with my favorite songs of the evening:

Tagged , ,
Jan 27 2012
2 Comments
Life

Three cheers for the introverts!

I consider myself a forced extrovert, otherwise known as an introvert.  I can force myself to be loud and outspoken, but it requires effort.  Granted, teaching has helped me to be more extroverted, but I’m still naturally quiet, reflective, and enjoy spending time on my own, (just not all of the time!).  I look forward to my quiet days at home with my computer and a blank screen for writing, (one of the perks of forcing myself to be extroverted as a teacher is that is buys me time to introverted on my breaks while everyone else is off working).  I often lose myself in my thoughts and have spent my life labeled as quiet.  I think that all of this earns me the title of introvert, at least to some degree.

Now, this is what gets me.  My whole life, people have confused quiet with shy.  In fact, I’ve confused quiet with shy, thinking that somehow I must lack confidence because I’m quiet.  Yes, there are times I am and have been shy, but a lot of what has earned me the label as shy is not a fear of speaking up or a lack of confidence, but rather a preference for quiet reflection.  I choose when to talk and often do not feel the need to add anything to group discussions, (unless no one is speaking up, then I feel the need to carry the conversation… I felt sorry for how much my fellow resident teachers had to hear me talk in seminar!).  This distinction is important because I have always felt that being shy or quiet is stigmatized.  More often that not, people have told me that I am quiet with a certain condescension, (or at least a perceived condescension).

Okay, now here is the kicker–  I think a big part of why I’ve forced myself to be more outgoing is because so much external value is put on being outgoing.  No one wants to shout from the roof tops that they’re an introvert, (irony intended).  Instead, it’s way cooler to self-identify as an extrovert, even when taking those silly personality tests that pop up in school and jobs.  Growing up I never liked it when I identified as an introvert on one of those tests; I’d actually find myself trying to bend the answers as to sound more extroverted while not technically lying!  Who am I kidding, even in recent years I have found myself wanting to fudge those tests.  We rank extroverts as better in our society!

Today I stumbled across a blog entry about a new book, Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.  Reading an interview of the author, I felt proud to be an introvert for the first time in my life!  I like that I am comfortable in quiet, that I lose myself in my head.  It is what makes me me.  I think that the world would be a better place if we introverts took more pride in ourselves, our true, quiet, selves…  If you want to borrow the book after I’m done, let me know.

My glasses and North Face down puffy vest are two of my favorite introvert paraphernalia… Okay, I’ll admit it, that was a stretch of a caption to justify including this picture in this blog entry.  It’s my favorite.  I’m obsessed.  Does being quirky come with being an introvert?
Tagged ,
Jan 22 2012
2 Comments
Life, Teaching, Writing

The Mixed Emotions of Sunday

Each week, Sunday brings mixed emotions for me.  My job as a teacher can be all-consuming, so Sunday reminds me that it’s time to gear back up and get ready for the week to come.  It requires grading, planning, and refocusing to minimize my stress during the week.  It is also the day that I visit my family and attempt to catch up on my book.  Writing is requiring a lot of patience because I have so little time to do it and so much desire to lose myself in it…  Not to mention grocery shopping or making sure that our house is clean for the week!

In short, Sunday is full.
I know that life is full too, not just Sundays, but for whatever reason Sundays often feel like the fullest day of the week.  I find myself trying to cram everything that I want to accomplish into Sundays because the week days are monopolized by teaching and Saturday is the day that I let myself relax, do less, and generally spend my time with Alex, (since it’s the only day off of the week that we share).
I want to learn how to achieve more balance while also holding onto all of my priorities.  I guess prioritizing is a part of life, I just wish that I had time for everything!  What a lovely world it would be if I could get everything done that I need to be a good teacher, have plenty of time to write my book, keep a clean house, get enough exercise, and still have enough time for my friends, family, and Alex.  I can’t even imagine what it feels like when you add children into the equation.  I guess your priorities shift.  
For now I just want to figure out how to fit all of my priorities into the picture!  I think that is why Sunday is bittersweet for me; I have so many things that I want to do with this one precious day and only 12 hours or so to do them!  I’m sure that there is some Zen teaching that would help me about now, but no time to look– happily off to the next Sunday priority but also sad to be putting my writing away for the day!
Tagged , , ,
Jan 10 2012
4 Comments
Life, Teaching

Kettle Corn, Sparkly Shoes, and Being a Little Girl

Early this evening I found myself sitting on my kitchen counter, eating a bag of kettle corn.  Let me be specific, when I say eating a bag of kettle corn, I don’t mean a handful.  Likewise, when I describe myself as sitting on the counter, I was fully on the counter, like feet extended out on the counter, not just casually leaning against it.  I did not even bother to take my jacket off.  I just came in, sat on the counter, and ate kettle corn, sulking.  This may all seem trivial, but for those of you that know me, I routinely attempt to eat no sugar and the act of sitting on the counter gorging myself in it was pure rebellion.  I was acting like a small child.

It took my phone ringing to realize that I was pouting.  Pouting about a bad end to my afternoon and an overwhelmed moment of stress, I was having a moment.  Which brings me to here and now.  I’ve decided that 2012 is the year that I’m finally ready to shed my pouty baby self and be done with her.    You would think that by 28 I would be well past that phase, but I still have my moments.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that I looked a lot like many of my fourth graders, sitting there throwing popcorn at the dog and feeling sorry for myself.

Somehow, all of this makes me think about something that I said last week to another teacher, “The secret to happiness is sparkly shoes.”  Wearing a new pair of Toms with threading that sparkle, I walked around in a good mood all week, smiling when I noticed that I was wearing sparkly shoes.  Upon discussing my happy mood I decided that it HAD to be the shoes.  I felt like a little girl.  The simple things, I tell you, the simple things!  Apparently the child inside of me is not all bad.

I leave you with this cute child for no other reason than that her picture made me smile.  I found her when googling sparkly Toms and wished that I could be as stylish as she is…  I could not find my shoes, (I kept getting the crazy sequin ones!), but trust me, they’d make you smile too.  I guess that growing up is finding the balance between letting the pouty child go and keeping the one that is still full of wonder about the simple things, like sparkly shoes and kettle corn.

Tagged
Jan 07 2012
2 Comments
Home, Life

A simple kind of happy…

It’s early Saturday afternoon and I feel happy.  Not over-the-top, I-cannot-believe-it happy, but sentimental, quiet happy.  I woke up late, basking in rare, more-than-ten hours, sleep.  Instead of jumping out of bed to conquer my usual Saturday morning to-do list, I just lay there, awakening slowly with my dog buried deep under the covers, the cat stalking us for her morning wet food, and my husband squinting at me through his own sleep, wary of my eternal enthusiasm for morning jokes and horseplay when I awaken before him.  It felt nice to linger.

Instead of pouting when he left to go have breakfast and hit up a movie with his dad, I turned up Pandora loud, tuning into my usual Iron and Wine eclecticism.  Cleaning the house I did not feel annoyed that this was the way I was spending my day off.  Instead, I felt grateful for my house, grateful for my little family of Alex, my dog, and our cat.  Grateful for the sun and a whole day without work.  Now, I’m sitting on our couch, taking in the odor of wet dog as Simon’s six-month-overdue bath was finally crossed off my to-do list, drinking a delicious cup of tea (thanks Dana!), still listening to Pandora, and typing.  I feel happy.  Like I said, not an over-the-top happy, but hopefully a more sustainable kind of happy, a real kind of happy.
My newly-bathed, ever companion
And a cup of tea… Perfect.
It’s funny how whenever I start to feel this way, I get nervous.  I become scared that it will go away too quickly.  I try to figure out how to hold on to it, how to make sure that it doesn’t disappear, allowing the anxiety of losing it to cloud the experience.  I don’t trust happiness, sad, but true.  This time, I’m trying instead to just be in it and know that when it goes, it will come back again.  I’m trying to learn to trust it.

Even so, I find myself examining the recipe for this current contentment.  This time, I think it is a culmination of the end of the holidays and the beginning of a bright year.  Last year, letting go of the holidays was unusually painful.  This year, even though they were among my favorite of this lifetime, I’m simultaneously excited for 2012:  I missed my students and enjoyed seeing them this week.  I am reinvigorated to figure out how to teach them and make them feel loved.  I cannot wait to get home each night and work on my book.  I am surrounded by amazing people.

I’m in love with my life, just as it is right now.  For once, it’s not about where I’m going, but where I am.  Wow, writing this now, I don’t actually think that I’ve ever felt like this before.  I mean, I’ve been happy, but not in this deeply satisfied, full-of-purpose, present way.  It’s actually making me tear up just to type this.  Don’t get me wrong, there is still plenty of pain, anxiety, and uncertainty around me, but somehow there is still this overarching sense of contentment, like I’m on the right path.  I don’t write this to brag, but instead to share, remind, and reflect, because I know that like everything, it won’t always feel this way.  Even in the course of a week, there are ups and downs that make it easy to forget how to get here.  Nonetheless, I’m still searching for the secret to consciously cultivating lasting happiness.  It has to be out there somewhere…

I leave you with these little gems, each in some way inspiration for my book and each repeat offenders on my Iron and Wine Pandora station:

Happy Saturday.

Tagged
← Older posts
Newer posts →